Bill Green (7’2, 460 lbs) is just a normal guy with no job, just like you. Bill Green wakes up every day and scrapes last night’s crumbs off his big, big belly, brushes his giant white beard and drinks 2-3 large gallons of milk. Bill Green’s normal routine is unrelenting, except for 1 month, every December, every year.
For one month, every year, without fail, since his divorce 9 years ago, Bill Green interrupts his usual routine by getting into his car and driving, against his will, to the Mall parking lot. From there, he blacks out…for 5-8 hours. Bill Green will come to again around 8pm, back in his lazy boy chair, watching professional darts on ESPN3.
Bill Green has never thought to look into what happens when he blacks out for 5-8 hours a day for one month every December. The first year it happened, he thought about going to the Doctor’s office. But Bill Green doesn’t have insurance. Nobody does.
Recently, probably out of boredom, Bill Green has started to question a few details surrounding his daily blackout. First of all, why is Bill Green always wearing a fully put together Santa suit from head to toe when he wakes up from his blackout? There is no second of all.
The answer to this question seemed impossible to crack, so Bill Green left the issue alone. Until, Bill Green noted the name tag on his Santa suit. “Hello, my name is Bill G”
“Bill G?” questioned Bill Green, through a burp. “Who the hell is Bill G.”
The next day, Bill Green did the unthinkable. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a message.
“What is this? Where am I? WHO IS BILL G?”
And he stuffed the message into Bill G’s Santa Suit.
After a lean breakfast of 17 double chunk cookies, he got in his car and drove to the mall with his hands and feet in the air and his eyes closed the entire time…
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HELP WANTED: The Severed Floor of the Springfield Mall, located in between the Journeys Kidz and #1 Asian Creation Takeout, is now hiring for our seasonal Mall Santa position. Control your Santa-Life Balance with ease and take the Severance Procedure. The Severance Procedure ensures that you have the best work day you’ll never remember, and ensures that we will not have any big old dudes doing anything weird with the kids. Let your inner Santa do all the work for you, and keep your outer Santa to yourself. To apply: send a recent picture of your beard and the scale with you standing on it to springfieldmallsanta@springfieldmallsanta.com