It’s that time of year again, when homo sapiens are forgoing their summer swimsuit diets and fattening up for the colder months ahead. While humans are loading up on marshmallow-infused pork rinds and deep-fried milkshakes, we know you animals are sharpening your beaks and polishing your claws for opening day. Here are a few reminders to keep in mind as some regulations have changed this year.
Baiting
Due to the over-effectiveness of baiting tree stands with Coors Light, Bud Light, and “PBR”, new mandates require the use of robust imported or microbrewery beers. Luring humans with reclining couches, the scent of burning charcoal, or flat-screen TVs is still acceptable.
Decoys
Store mannequins and blow-up dolls can still be used as decoys. However, due to new state inclusion and diversity requirements such devices must be non-binary.
Status Regarding Pregnant Women
Although it is still legal to bite, peck, sting, scratch or ingest any human the moment it is naturally born,
it is now against statute to harm, harass, annoy, or have negative thoughts towards a human still in the
womb. Animals are advised that violators of this directive are subject to a fine of one million acorns and
up to ten years in the county animal shelter.
Disease Safety
Also remember, it is best practice to spare humans who show symptoms of painful urination, pus-like
discharge, or other STD-like symptoms. Lost children in the woods should be avoided entirely due to
the high risk of conjunctivitis, sinusitis, or the dreaded hand, foot, and mouth disease. Any humans without laminated and notarized Covid vaccine cards should be eradicated immediately.