It’s no secret that I have, on numerous occasions, publicly expressed pride in my penchant for tax avoidance.
However, it’s also no secret that I’m a hugely successful businessman with more money than you’ve ever imagined and more property than you’ve ever heard of one person owning. So to those of you out there suggesting that my ex-wife’s tragic stairway tumble was anything more than a perfectly timed, yet slightly unfortunate freak accident, I ask – to what end, exactly?
Okay, so maybe it is true that our children were set to testify the very next day in a major criminal case that I allegedly may possibly have had some involuntary involvement in, and any testimony against me by them would be gravely problematic for my organization and likely lead to further investigations into my perchance for unscrupulous business practices, but is that really enough evidence to establish, beyond a reasonable doubt, that foul play was the reason behind that lethal fall down her own flight of stairs?
Okay, so maybe the chief examiner in your part of town doesn’t conduct his autopsies or produce favorable results as quickly and efficiently as mine – I mean ours – does here in the Upper East Side, but that doesn’t mean the job wasn’t well done. Because it was. It was done so well. And so beautifully, you wouldn’t believe it.
And once it was done, the examiner said to me, he said, “Sir, I’m so sorry, it was blunt trauma to the torso. That’s what caused her death.” So, like any other humane ex-husband, I honored her final wishes and concluded that the case was closed and that there was certainly no reason to look any further than the conclusions that had already been drawn.
I’m sure some of you might be thinking really hard, trying to remember the last time you heard of someone accidentally falling on their torso and then, of all things, immediately dying as a result. But listen, it happens. I’ll tell you, it happens often and it’s very sad when it does but that’s exactly what this was. A very sad day. And there may be some things we don’t fully understand, but one thing for sure is that I absolutely, positively, most certainly did not have anything to do with her passing.
How could I? I was too busy dealing with another, completely unrelated, government rai – I mean investigation – and was totally swamped with that. You can even ask my attorneys, they’ll tell you.
And sure, I may have, a few times in the past, advocated for violence against people who were a threat to my affairs or aspirations, including several times on national TV, in particular that time when I articulated a scenario in which I could hypothetically shoot a man on Fifth Avenue and not lose any of my supporters or their votes. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s quite possible, if anything, that that actually increased my following.
But of course, as I’m sure you can imagine, I was just being facetious and would never actually… you know… do it.
Look – this was a wonderful, beautiful woman who led a great and inspirational life, and now it’s time to leave her and the circumstances surrounding her death alone and in peace. And yes, while I may or may not have garnered a bigly tax break as a result of acting quickly to lay her to rest on the grounds of my home property which, for some reason, doubles as a cemetery when the circumstances are right, it truly was strictly coincidence and in no way the motive behind my desire to secure a lucrative burial site for this woman whom so many other people loved dearly.
And now, when golfers, congressmen, and foreign investors visit my property and ask how I’m doing, how it’s been for me, dealing with such a remarkable tragedy, I take a deep breath and I tell them the truth: That I’ve never heard of her, but that I wish her and her family well.
