Bon Appetit’s Basically Guide to Better Baking (died from a classist ingredient list, March 31st, 2020)
Bon Appetit thought they could make me a better baker in ten weeks. Boy were they wrong. They said it would be easy, but like every other Bon Appetit recipe, only wealthy hipsters from Brooklyn can afford to buy Medjool dates during a pandemic and spend a whole day making cinnamon rolls. In short, I will not mourn you and your elitist trash. It is survived by an impulsive three-month magazine subscription, overuse of the buzzword “alliums,” and the Bon Appetit chefs saying it is “sooooo easy.”
Gluten-free everything (died during the few days I was told it was a good way to lose weight during quarantine, March 5th, 2020)
I don’t have celiac disease, so this was an unnecessary venture. Also, gluten-free stuff is expensive and I was worried about making rent. It is survived by Goop articles, a cookbook, and pressure from friends saying it was “the best decision they ever made.”
Paleo-activated charcoal Oreos (died from trying to use actual charcoal instead of activated charcoal, April 6th, 2020)
I don’t even know how this one happened. I saw a photo on Instagram of a black smoothie. Then, I saw activated charcoal at the grocery store and I thought, “Wow, people are eating charcoal?!” I honestly forgot this one happened until my partner reminded me that I ate real charcoal last month. Healthy my ASS. It is survived by a bag of Kingsford charcoal briquettes, a wasted box of Oreos, and a 48-hour vomit fest.
Nutritional yeast (died from lack of actually caring, April 15th, 2020)
I still don’t fully understand what you are, but someone once told me I should use it because it is so good for you. Looks like I won’t be able to become a fucking gold-star vegan like you always wanted, Deborah. I couldn’t find you in the grocery store and when I did, I couldn’t afford you. So, whatever. It is survived by flagged mommy blogs and an “if you’re not using nutritional yeast, you’re not living your best life” article.
Sourdough bread (died as a result of too much work, societal pressure, and lack of proper feeding, May 1st, 2020)
First off, do you know how hard it is to find yeast right now? Plus, it is SO time consuming. I work forty hours a week! And a Dutch oven? That shit is expensive! Anyways, I fucking tried because everyone else was doing it. I fed it normal food, but apparently it didn’t like carrots. I also tried to bake you on a cookie sheet because I didn’t have a Dutch oven. It is survived by a starter from your granola coworker, tears over the entire bread-making process, using regular flour instead of bread flour, and twenty articles about how you can “make easy sourdough at home, trust us.”
Pancake cereal (died from exhaustion? WHO CARES, May 31st, 2020)
Okay, listen, in retrospect this one was pretty fucking easy, but who has the time, let alone the ENERGY to make fucking pancake cereal right now??!??!?! I mean, I am so depressed and anxious that I can barely fucking get out of bed. Meanwhile, some TikTok person wants me to go through the effort of making super tiny fucking pancakes?! And you can’t even use milk for it?!?!? I’m out. I’m fucking OUT. It is survived by a mental breakdown in the kitchen, burned batter, and screaming into the void.