Have you ever felt tired, exhausted, or fatigued? We really hope the answer is no, because our drug, Alertsiprexis, does a wonderful job of helping you feel energized, so long as you do everything in your power to never feel like you need it! Our researchers spent countless hours working on this grant-funded miracle of modern science that is guaranteed to help you feel no different than you normally do.
Alertsiprexis began when one of us came in to the lab, feeling upbeat and cheerful as usual, radiating energy as if we were powered by a hundred suns, or even suns ourselves. We worked thirty-six hours before taking our usual sex break, and right around the time we released the lions from their cage to heighten the danger, without warning, one of us yawned. Mortal panic set in: If we can yawn, does that mean we can feel… tired? Do other people often feel tired? Would we feel tired if we had families and didn’t just rotate beautiful sex partners in and out of our sleep pods?
We looked at one another, realizing as if for the first time that we can’t be twenty-five to thirty-five forever. At some point, we might feel disinterested in taking ketamine at the start of a laser bath. In a few years, back pain might set into our perfectly toned bodies, and babies might enter our lives by choice or mail delivery, which would make it hard to use the mist we breathe in to knock ourselves out for eight hours every few days.
We made a pact right then and there to design a drug that could cure fatigue, and here we are five years later. We can safely say that our lives haven’t changed in the slightest, especially since the lions have claimed our MDMA supply room, causing us to utilize our cocaine supply room much more frequently. Truly, when we take Alertsiprexis, we don’t notice any difference in our desire to work, nor our desire to do cocaine.
As with any drug, using our product comes with the risk of a few side effects. However, we want to point out that the reward of energy is worth it, provided you’re naturally energized and can knock out an orgy, a six-hour car ride, a conversation with your parents about what a podcast is and why it’s not on Netflix, and a Phish concert without any drop in alertness. The side effects (if you can even call them that) are the possibility of a burning sensation in the kidneys, mint-scented urine, a belief that shadow people are stalking you, craving for Code Red Mountain Dew, and immediate death if you should take Alertsiprexis because you’re actually feeling fatigued.
You’re likely asking yourself, “Is Alertsiprexis right for me?” If you’re still uncertain about whether or not to take it, consult with your doctor or any witch you might regularly visit to maintain your looks and generally perfect life. If you don’t have a primary doctor or witch, or they’ve recently moved to try and work things out in their marriage, ask yourself this: Do I ever feel fatigued, tired, or drained of energy?
If the answer is yes, again, we need to remind you that our drug will kill you. We can’t explain how we can be so certain, but we can tell you that it will haunt us in our mist-induced dreams.
We designed Alertsiprexis to make a difference in the world. If you or someone you know worry constantly about the possibility, however unlikely, of feeling fatigue at any level, though you are confident you could outrun a train being conducted by a horse without breaking a sweat, then consider using Alertsiprexis today.
