If you’re anything like me, then you know that orgies can be tricky. Don’t expect to just waltz in on your first day and be accepted by all the other, more seasoned orgy participants. To help you navigate these tricky waters, here are 15 helpful tips to remember when sharing God’s most intimate act with a room full of strangers:
1. Don’t be the first one naked; you have to get “casually nude.” Nobody wants to orgy with an impatient neurotic.
2. If someone coughs and their gum flies into your mouth immediately start chewing it like it’s not big deal.
3. Make sure you know the right terminology; for example, when two men start engaging in sexual activity this is commonly known as “Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.”
4. It’s not required but it is polite to bring a casserole.
5. Having people think you’re dead isn’t the best thing to have happen.
6. Don’t volunteer to be the “meat manager” until you’re ready for that responsibility.
7. It’s always annoying when people use “scientific” words like penis, or vagina. It’s like, c’mon guys, we all know what you really mean.
8. If someone is in a wheelchair it isn’t necessary to fuck his or her wheelchair.
9. If you get nervous just picture everyone in their underwear.
10. If you ever discover that you’re in an orgy with Andy Richter, just take a breath, calm down, and hold on for the ride of your life.
11. Bring a book.
12. Remember, advanced kissing techniques include kissing every tooth in someone’s mouth.
13. It’s nice to bring a Sharpie so everyone can sign your shirt at the end. That way you remember all the good times you’ve shared.
14. If you need a ride home I can call my dad. He has a Honda Civic and gets decent gas millage, so he won’t mind.
15. Also keep in mind that sex is always illegal, so don’t call 9-1-1 even if you are really excited to tell someone about all the fun you had at your first orgy.
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