“Capital One has promised to make free credit monitoring and identity protection available to anyone affected by the breach.” - New York Times, July 30th, 2019
Free credit monitoring? That’s soooo 2012. These industry-best make-goods will have you begging to get your data stolen by hackers!
Credit Cards : One year of free credit monitoring and identity protection, plus a new, 20% heavier card.
Social Media Platforms: Impacted users are eligible to receive a $10 class-action payout if you fill out a form that includes up-to-date annual income, favorite brands, political affiliations, and a used Band-Aid.
Porn : A list of lonely married men in the area provided to any impacted horny MILFs.
Tax Software : Free enrollment in the same program that somehow , in 2019 when literally everything has been hacked , has kept Donald Trump’s tax returns from leaking.
Email : One year of free Yahoo! Credit Monitoring.
Gaming : One year of free pwn monitoring.
Streaming Services : Free 24-hour rental of the 1995 Sandra Bullock identity theft thriller The Net.
Search Engines : Impacted consumers who ask the voice assistant “Has anyone stolen my identity today?” will be told “No, [your name]” and then a dad joke.
Home DNA Testing : Eligible to receive up to 20% of the Crime Stoppers reward money if your stolen familial DNA can be used to convict.
Online Retailers : One-time-use coupon code: AUGBREACH15.
Big Box Retail : No-charge 30-minute Geek Squad consultation on what the Dark Web is, and a step-by-step explanation of “what we’d do with your personal information if it were us.”
Hospital : If your identity is used to pay for an organ transplant, the hospital will cover legal fees associated with recouping the organ, which technically you own.
Health Insurance : If the number of free credit monitoring months you have accrued exceeds your actuarial lifespan, your co-pay is reduced to $10.
Food Delivery Apps : Free $25 gift card, but you have to pick it up in person and it’s on the other side of town.
Face-Aging Apps : You’ll receive a free AI-generated, realistic view of what your credit score will look like in thirty years.
Restaurant Loyalty Programs : Two free tickets to see Ernest: Scared Stupid for Burger King Kids Club members (with purchase of two [2] kids meals and two [2] full-price adult movie tickets).
Public Libraries : No personal restitution provided, but a punitive 50% reduction in funding will be applied to libraries in your area.
National Rifle Association : One year of free thoughts and prayers.
