1. An unsupervised baby has access to weapons systems. 2. Regime change widely celebrated, also a boon for militias. 3. A speedy exit to an area run by a despot may be required. 4. Not accepting any face-covering suggestions. 5.. Criminals offering money for their freedom. 6. A child hovers around your shady business dealings. 7. Freelancing for fascists is always an option. 8. Ex-colleagues: betrayed you, tried to put you in prison, been put in prison themselves, expect you to get them out of prison. 9. Distrust of algorithms… but still uses IG. 10. No one questions whether this…
Author: Andrew Marshall
Andrew Marshall
Andrew Marshall is a writer living in Portland, OR. He can be seen performing sketch and improv comedy at Curious Comedy Theater, Kickstand Comedy Space, and the Detroit Improv Festival. Andrew has studied sketch comedy and satire at Second City. His work can be seen in places like Robot Butt, Slackjaw, and Weekly Humorist. Follow him on Twitter at @andrewtweeets
1. Would it be possible to hear from the specialist today? 2. We’ve been very cautious with what we spoon-feed him, but he’s still regurgitating some really nasty stuff. 3. Could we start this conference by clearing up some of the conflicting information we’ve read online? 4. He’s just irritable all the time now, which is not making it easy for the people trying to help him. 5. I’d be happy to explain that. But first, could we move the baby away from the microphone? 6. Actually, correctly assigning blame will help us fix this a lot faster and help…
“Capital One has promised to make free credit monitoring and identity protection available to anyone affected by the breach.” - New York Times, July 30th, 2019 Free credit monitoring? That’s soooo 2012. These industry-best make-goods will have you begging to get your data stolen by hackers! Credit Cards : One year of free credit monitoring and identity protection, plus a new, 20% heavier card. Social Media Platforms: Impacted users are eligible to receive a $10 class-action payout if you fill out a form that includes up-to-date annual income, favorite brands, political affiliations, and a used Band-Aid. Porn : A list of lonely married men…
My fellow fixers and cleaners: It is my great honor to deliver the keynote at this year’s FixCon. What a turnout this year, right? Tell me, where else can you talk to peers about the intricacies of delivering a suitcase full of cash to a crooked judge? Well, maybe Frank’s house. Right, Frank? He calls that “the house that affluenza built.” Hey, I’m just busting your balls, Frank is one hell of a fixer. This guy cleaned up a DUI for some CEO’s kid twice in one week. Hope that dad gave you a bonus, Frank! A pharmaceutical stock tip?…