A Crazy-Ass Weasel Hat Will Be Worn By a Crazy, Weaselly Asshat
A socialite will don a colossal hat comprised of live weasels, drawing the eye to her finest asset: a girthy, rippling neck that bolsters the hat with ease. The accoutrement will allude to her husband’s rat extermination business, which employs hundreds of highly-specialized weasels, and continues to amass a sizable fortune for Mr. and Mrs. Asshat. The crème de la crème will whisper that the Asshats weaseled their way into high society by underpaying their non-unionized, tube-shaped staff. One discourteous weasel will escape the confines of the hat brim and nip the ankle of celebrity Elle Fanning, who will happen to be in attendance. Litigation will ensue.
Kentucky Derby Favorite, Berserker Rage (Née Derek), Will Succumb to Equine Ennui
Berserker Rage (Derek) will be stricken with an all-consuming sense of discontentment, feeling overcome by lethargy and existential boredom. He will sigh heavily and respond to every offer or entreaty with “Nay,” a marked difference from his usual “Neigh.” Berserker Rage (Derek) will ultimately refuse to race, preferring to seek a velvet chaise suitable to collapse upon with dramatic flair. Berserker Rage (Derek) will be single-hoofedly responsible for bankrupting many gamblers.
A Triple Crown “Winner” Will Reach Into a Dentist’s Prize Bucket After His Dental Crown Is Thrice Replaced
Somewhere on this godforsaken earth, a man will unexpectedly forgo his Saturday plans to receive yet another crown replacement on his left maxillary cuspid. He will take solace in his new “coil spring” toy, a Slinky knock-off with a smiling tooth printed on the front. “Cute,” he’ll say.
The Mint Juleps Will Not Be Imbibed Due to Muddled Muddling
Aristocrats will spit out the signature cocktail hither and thither, discerning immediately that the mint leaves weren’t properly muddled. Expecting a flavorful burst of mint to be nicely expressed and well-distributed within each sip, many attendees will consider themselves poisoned after one gulp of poorly-muddled, liquid garbage. Complaints will be mounted and the situation will deteriorate into a near riot; cries of “Harumph” will abound. Elle Fanning will crush her mint julep glass into shards with her bare hand.
Kentucky Will Declare a State of Emergency When a Rose in the Garland Wilts
All donations pledged to Notre Dame will be re-appropriated to revitalize a droopy outlier in the single-use rose garland.
A Jockey Will Be Euthanized After an Injury Straightens His Spine
A jockey rendered petite by a slight curve in his back will be euthanized after an injury inadvertently corrects his scoliosis, adding an extra inch to his height. Everyone will be devastated that his promising career came to such an untimely end. A few will be a trifle affected by the extinguishment of his life.
Animal Advocate Elle Fanning Will Announce, “In My Opinion, The Main Event Is – Honest-to-God – Horse Shit.”
Freshly weasel-bitten but admirably composed, Elle Fanning will field questions from reporters about her primary draw to the Derby. Although her ruffled frock will suggest she was lured by the fashion, she will cite her fondness for being surrounded by defecting horses. Fanning will be quoted, “Nothing beats seeing fresh excrement drop between a Chestnut’s legs. I can’t begin to describe the thrill. There’s just something about being right in the middle of the action, and by ‘action’ I’m referring to horses taking big, steaming dumps all around me. No further questions. I have to see a man about a weasel bite.”
