Sorry about that, detectives. Where was I? Oh right, the banging. I remember thinking, “At this hour? Who the hell could be knocking at this hour?” Obviously no one expects a murderer to show up on their doorstep in the middle of the night. So I thought, “Maybe it’s craft beer.” See I know this guy who works at a local bar and sometimes he hooks me up with leftover beer. Pretty sweet, right? It’s all kinds too, not just domestic!
Anyways, I open the door and it’s not him. It’s some other guy and he’s wearing a mask, which in my experience usually isn’t good. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it is. But most of the time it’s not.
Anyway, he barges into my home and of course my dog starts barking. The guy goes to kick him but he hesitates, probably because Copper is somewhat of an unusual dog. He’s what they call a Labradoodle, which is a cross between a labrador and a poodle. They’re actually quite rare and expensive, but I happen to know a guy that breeds them up in Sacramento. Really solid guy, a hell of a golfer, and his wife makes a lemon meringue to die for. And I mean to die for! Pardon my language given the… circumstances.
Anyway, I didn’t realize the guy was packing, but all of a sudden he shoots Copper. What the hell, right? And you know, at the time I had no idea he had just killed three people down the street. But I just remember thinking, “Holy shit! This is… this is really gonna stain the new carpet!” which would’ve been a hassle but thankfully not too bad financially. See I went to college with this guy who studied neuroscience, really smart guy. But after he graduated, he realized that his real passion was carpeting. Weird, right?
Anyway, I wasn’t too worried about the carpet because you know… I’m friends with the guy. Hey if you’re interested, I can probably hook you guys up too. No? Oh I get it, you’re hardwood floor guys, huh?
That’s fine, to each his own. Anyway, I freak out and run to the kitchen. Fortunately, I managed to grab one of my kitchen knives. And you know what? It was actually part of a Shun Kaji knife set. You’ve heard of them, right? Really beautiful, just incredibly well-made Japanese blades that typically cost a few thousand dollars. And you know, I don’t really cook or anything so I’m not the type of person to spend that kind of dough on a knife set. But I happen to know a guy that’s the manager of a Williams-Sonoma. Hooked me up with a full set for thirty percent off on Black Friday. He had like twenty of them! Can you believe you that? You can? Oh okay.
Anyway, I go to stab him but he grabs my arm and knocks the knife right out of my hands. The knife goes flying, I’m panicking, and everything starts blurring up. Next thing I know, I’m on the ground being stabbed. And you know, I was kicking and I was screaming, but the guy was getting me pretty good. And I look up into up his eyes and suddenly I realize, “Holy shit! I know this guy! We used to play badminton together in fifth grade!” And I’m pretty sure that’s when he realized he knew me too, because he took off running like freaking Usain Bolt, you know the really fast guy?
Anyways, long story short… I know the guy. That’s him. Number five.
