Author: Elisa Diener

Charles Darwin admits his Survival of the Fittest Theory was a desperate attempt to fit in with the bros at his gym. Marie Antoinette blamed her excessive spending and diluting of the treasury on her mother for pressuring her for grandchildren. Edgar Allan Poe broke up with Lenore because her stew tasted like shit. Vincent Van Gogh cut of his left ear because Paul Gauguin would not shut the fuck up. Pablo Picasso admits he inadvertently founded the Cubist Movement when he stared so inensely at his sexy naked models he forgot to check the canvas to see where he…

Hello. I am here because retail therapy is not covered by my health insurance. Blue Cross should consider at least partially reimbursing me for my Amex bill because I don’t know any therapists in my network who make me feel as confident as a killer new pair of Louboutins. Honestly, I much prefer shopping to dissecting my childhood traumas. I buried that shit for a reason.  I know people are dying and this seems shallow. And you probably think I should spend less money. But I shouldn’t be penalized for my expensive taste; it’s not my fault I am allergic to…

I’ve never really been domestic. My mom never bought me an Easy Bake Oven because she didn’t want me eating cake all day and she always worked so I was never exposed to real cooking or family dinners that didn’t take place at the mall food court. I went to a fancy private school where instead of Home Economics we were exposed to the useful and practical world of synchronized dancing on a giant field. You might think I was raised by wolves if you witnessed my table manners. Hell, I don’t even own plates or silverware; I just shove…

I, Elisa, being of somewhat sound mind and body (it varies), not acting under duress or undue influence (unless you count the impending sense of overall doom and destruction from general anxiety disorder), and fully understanding the nature and extent (or lack thereof) of my property, do hereby declare this document to be my Last Will and Testament, and hereby revoke any and all other wills and codicils heretofore made by me and written on a napkin or paper plate or in my old seventh-grade science journal. General Instructions If I am on life support, please pull the plug in the…

Dear Sir, I am delighted to submit my application for the position of your Second Wife. I am highly motivated to secure a rich husband and I believe you will find my tenacity to be utterly charming. I have over six years of experience dating wealthy, divorced men and understand your needs and desire to find a trophy wife.  Throughout my dating history, I have perfected the art of making small talk at parties and acting as the ideal hostess. I will impress your work colleagues with my decorating prowess and my knowledge of fine arts and wine, while being…