Sorry for screaming again. I tried using my oven for the first time, and a million roaches came pouring out. I didn’t even get to cook my frozen pizza, and my date hid in the bathroom. I spent my last cash on that pizza and a 2-liter. Now I don’t have any cash for roach spray now. Do you have any roach spray?
Do you think I could borrow your oven? I could maybe spare a little soda if you want it.
I’m also sorry if you heard my date screaming. She hates roaches, too. She was almost chill, but then she saw the huge hole in the bathroom wall and wigged out. Can you blame her? I mean, it’s big enough for someone to put their whole arm through.
I had an old pair of sweatpants stuffed in the hole for a while to keep the snow out, but Pervy Bob stole them. I know it was him because I saw him wearing them the very next day. It’s as if ever since he got fired from the bowling alley for installing those toilet cameras, he just wanders the neighborhood stealing stuff. I know he’s your brother, but can you please tell him that this half of the house is mine?
Do you have something to plug a hole in the wall better than a pair of sweatpants? Just drop it on the shared porch if you do. I could spare a little more soda, I guess.
In other news, I got a cat! Just letting you know in case you hear him meowing or whatever. His name is Chester Shabazz. I got him from a coworker who couldn’t keep him because his wife read something about toxic shock syndrome or something like that and decided she can’t have a cat anymore. I haven’t seen a mouse since I got him. My air bed is flat every night, but thems the breaks.
If you have any spare duct tape, do you think I could borrow some? I have half a pack of Virginia Slims someone gave me that I can trade you.
I’m happy to see your roommate moved back in. Sorry, I don’t know his name, unless it’s Daddy. Ha! I think it’s cute that y’all have no reservations. I swear I heard a Missouri Compromise happening over there the other night, but my friend told me that would be impossible because we’re blocks away from the Bass Pro Shop. What a dope. I know it wasn’t a Springfield Surprise because I didn’t hear a preacher. I don’t want to yuck your yum, but I don’t have renters’ insurance, and you know I park in front of the fire hydrant, so please stop incorporating fire into whatever it is that y’all are doing over there.
We’re doing inventory at work tonight, so I won’t be back until super late. We should work out some kind of secret signal whistle or something, so you know when it’s me coming home late.
Thanks again for dressing my wound the other day. But FYI, I will NOT be paying any of the invoices you stuck through my bathroom wall hole for “Nursing Services Rendered.” You shot me after all. If you really need it, I can return the No Fear t-shirt you used as a tourniquet. It’s bloody, but you can bleach it, probably.
Before I forget, stop skipping ahead to all the smutty stuff in that smutty book you’re listening to? You know these walls are paper-thin and I have completely lost the plot! It’s like, oh, I think she’s finally going to give Craig a shot, and then you skipped ahead, and GAVIN is suddenly under her office desk?! I’m getting whiplash over here!
Anyway, next time you see your brother Pervy Bob, tell him I don’t want the sweatpants back. And don’t worry, I didn’t even believe him when he said he got the crabs from you.