Are you trying to learn a new language but don’t want the Duolingo bird to send you push notifications telling you you’ve disappointed her three times a day? Here are other ways to jumpstart your language learning.
Listen to Politicians’ Speeches in That Language
It takes time, but you’ll eventually master lying in that language.
Travel Alone—and With Empty Pockets—to a Country Where That Language Is Spoken
Poverty and loneliness are surprisingly great teachers.
Learn One New Word a Day
The lifespan of most of us isn’t enough to see results from this method. You’d better hope the official language of the afterlife is this one.
Look for Similar Words Between Your Language and the New One
Warning: sometimes “similar” words mean completely opposite things—good luck with that.
Try Thinking in That Language
Eventually you’ll either get fluent… or just give up on thinking altogether. Either way, that’s a win.
Invent a Time Machine
Go back to when your dad was single and convince him to marry someone foreign. This isn’t easy—why would a beautiful foreign girl fall for your dad? Better go to your mom before she marries and convince her to marry a foreign man instead. Either way, you probably won’t even exist—but hey, bilingual childhood!
Drink More Water and Quit Smoking
This shows up in every advice list, no matter the topic.
Find a Religion Whose Holy Book Is Written in That Language
You won’t understand much, but you get to go to that afterlife you were training for on entry number 3.
Follow Popular Singers in That Language
Listen to the audio only—because once you watch the music video, your ears stop paying attention.
Start a Relationship with a Native Speaker
You’ll learn the language fast… and immediately regret it.