A collection of accounts from America’s second civil war.
In November of 2026, the United States engaged in its second civil war – this time, between the Democrats and Republicans. Throughout the 21st century, tensions between the parties rose. Despite the mass sharing of highly informative infographics, war was inevitable. Both parties elected a general in early November to lead the war. Commanding the Democrats was none other than the 14-time Grammy winner, and future NFL wife, Taylor Swift. Conversely, the Republicans were led by WWE superstar, and Bud Light sponsor, Stone Cold Steve Austin. Following this, the United States embarked on the bloodiest battle known to mankind. The government collapsed, cities were burnt down, and millions were murdered. Recovered from the various battlefields were two diaries, documenting the daily lives of both parties. One was recovered from Jeb Lightning, a 37-year-old truck driver, from the Republicans. The other was recovered from 22-year-old Brianna Blanch, an influencer, who joined the Democrats. Here are their stories.
Jeb Lightning
11/8/2026
I never thought I’d be one to join the army. I’m a trucker, born and bred to be, just like my daddy and my daddy’s daddy. But if my daddy and my daddy’s daddy loved one thing more than being a trucker, it was bein’ a Republican. And if there was one thing that my daddy and my daddy’s daddy hated more than a warm beer, it was the damn Democrats. So when I heard that these city-dwellin’ hippies were trying to take away my rights, what other choice did I have besides joinin’? I woke up this mornin’ about quarter to 11 and followed my usual morning routine. Step 1: Wake up. Step 2: Fox News. Step one went well, I rolled out of bed like a fat kid on Thanksgivin’, and not no democratic Thanksgivin’ either, with the damn kale and shit. Step two is where my day got all jacked up. You tell me why I turn the damn news on and I see the headline “Democrats Assemble Outside the Capital Amidst War Breakout.” How dare they? Assemblin’ outside the capital is my shit. Don’t tread on me. I walked my ass down to the recruiter’s office immediately. Young boy outside the office looked at me and said they were “lookin’ for soldiers.” I told him it was his lucky day, you found yourself a goddamn super soldier. Askin’ me all about “how many pull-ups?” “How many sit-ups?” How ‘bout you just hand me a damn rifle and send me to the battle zone. Lightning, out.
Brianna Blanch
11/12/2026
Last night at dinner Jamie told me that I looked great in camo, and then when I came home, I heard that we were going to war. It was totally a sign. I posted a poll on Instagram and asked #Bri-Nation if I should join the red or blue team and most people said blue. My favorite color is blue – totally a sign. I had my agent drive me to the sign-up place. I HATED the people there. Everyone was so rude. They asked me for my height and weight. Very disrespectful. I told them to write down tall and skinny. Anyways, I’m super excited. They were telling me about the military and honestly, It sounds a lot like my college study abroad program. Except instead of studying I’m gonna be wearing camo and instead of being abroad I’m gonna be in America. They told me I’m getting shipped out within two weeks, so I really need to start packing. Nobody told me what the weather is so now I have to bring a hot and cold suitcase. The flight is already covered, but I don’t know what the checked bag policy is. Hopefully, they upgraded me to first class. I’m gonna livestream the entire trip, and I just know that I’m gonna gain so many followers. I wonder if anyone on my team is also #Bri-Nation. I’ll write about it when I get there.
Jeb Lightning
11/22/2026
Two weeks ago I was semi-truckin’ on the east coast, now I’m stationed at a goddamn Bass Pro Shop in Omaha. It’s a dream come true. I landed here about a week and a half ago, brought nothing but Copenhagen and my faith in the lord. My Copenhagen is gone, but my faith in the lord has only grown stronger. First day I was here Stone Cold himself gathered all of the troops in the rec hall. Sat us all down and told us about a Democrat outpost about 4 miles away from the base. Then he made the mistake of askin’ who’s up for the challenge. Clearly, Stone Cold didn’t know a semi-truckin’, lady-fuckin’ super soldier was on base. I stood my ass up and told the man there was no one better than me. You shoulda seen the look on his face, boy looked at me like I might have the biggest pair of balls west of the Potomac. That was that, he sent me to take down those liberals and take down those liberals I did. I’m not gonna act like it was a tough task or nothin’, not too hard to spot ‘em with the colored hair and whatnot. I rolled down there in the damn F150 and got to work. Safe to say I smacked some sense into those damn hippies. Other than that it’s been real quiet ‘round here. The base has everything you might need though, I’ll tell you that much. The lieutenants put a chapel and a beer store in the Bass Pro Shop. Every day I do the same thing, hunt, pray, and drink, in that order. Hopefully next time I’ll have some more action to report on. Lighting, out.
Brianna Blanch
11/26/2026
So I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I do look great in camo, and I’m getting a lot of views on social media. The bad news is that this is not like studying abroad at all. First of all, they didn’t fly me first class, and apparently my bags got lost at a different airport. How do you lose two pink bags? Also, I thought I’d be staying at a Ritz-Carlton or something. They put me with all of the non-influencers at some Whole Foods in Denver. They do have a great low-carb section here, so I can’t be all that upset. Honestly, the work here is so like blue-collar. It’s like I get to immerse myself in the lower class. I think after the trip is over I’m gonna start a non-profit for people who can’t afford Whole Foods. Yesterday, a few people on my team and I got sent to fight some bad guys. Apparently, they found them because you can hear the exhaust from their trucks from like miles away. It’s really inconsiderate that they’re making so much noise when there’s literally a war going on. Like, show some respect. Anyways, when they saw me I think they were so starstruck that they forgot to move away from the bullets. Bri-nation 1, Red team 0. I live-streamed it all and someone actually reported me. Like sorry I just wanted to keep people informed. Now I have a strike on my account and if I get two more my account gets banned. Also, I haven’t met Taylor yet. Hopefully by my next entry that will change.
Jeb Lightning
12/13/2026
God damn liberals kidnapped Stone Cold Steve Austin. Bombed the whole base, I’m the only one left besides him. They musta’ been waitin’ for me to leave before they attacked. I didn’t think they were smart enough for tactics like that. But I swear on Christ if they were to attack with me around it woulda’ been a different story. I woulda’ caught that bomb and tossed that thing over the damn Mississippi River. Didn’t think the super soldier could pass the pigskin? You thought wrong. You also thought wrong if you, even for a second, considered that I wouldn’t be going to rescue Stone Cold. As for all of my brothers and sisters who died, well that’s in the hands of the lord now. I’ve been tracking down Stone Cold for the past few days. Pretty sure the Democrats are keepin’ him locked up inside the Planned Parenthood just a few miles south of me. Tomorrow’s the day I go and bring ‘em back. I’ll write again then. Lighting, out.
Brianna Blanch
12/14/2026
So, apparently the blue team is winning the game. Yesterday, we captured someone named Stone Cold Steve, or something like that. I think he was the captain of the red team. We’re keeping him here at the Whole Foods which is like super exciting. I wonder if he’d want to collab at some point. Also, I have some really big news. I met Taylor! After we captured this Steve guy, Taylor came in and was like so excited. I asked one of the assistant captains if there would be a meet and greet after and he literally laughed in my face. I get that she’s super famous, but honestly, so am I. Oh also, something totally not cool happened. I was on Instagram, chatting with #TeamBri-nation, and I accidentally live-streamed a bombing! How was I supposed to know? Nobody told me anything. That means I have two strikes now. Not cool.
P.S. Still look great in camo
Jeb Lightning
12/14/2026
My name is Jeb “super-soldier” Lightning. This will be my final message to the world. I’m currently bleeding out on the floor of a Planned Parenthood. I tracked down Stone Cold to this location. Turned out to be a trap… damn liberals are smarter than I expected. One of ‘em got me as I was comin’ through the doorway. Looked like they turned an old bumper from a damn Prius into a makeshift sword. Looks like all the DIY shows are paying off. I took it straight to the gut. Had no choice but to lock myself inside a utility closet here. I don’t have much time left. I’m thirsty as all hell, but there’s nothing but damn kombucha and craft beer in here. Not much I can do now besides sit here and pray. I know the lord is waitin’ for me with an ice-cold six-pack at the pearly gates. Good news is I get to reunite with my daddy and my daddy’s daddy. We’re gonna be semi-truckin’ all through heaven. Can’t believe this is gonna be my last time signin’ off. Lighting, out.
Brianna Blanch
12/16/2026
My life is so over. I got my final strike today. I posted a video of me slaughtering like 20 of those dumb, fat, republicans. Bad idea I guess. I thought that they were supposed to be the bad guys? Honestly, this is all like super unconstitutional. My dad is a lawyer so I’m hoping that he can like fix the Constitution or something. If not, I’m totally screwed. At first, I was like oh my god no, I let down #Bri–nation. But really, the government let down #Bri-nation. I wonder if anyone made a petition for me yet.