Here at Subway, we’ve been listening. You bitched and complained about everything, from the cost of our sandwiches to the way our employees treat you while you order. That’s why we’re revamping everything we can literally think of about our establishment to make it worse and, at the same time, more convincing for you to come through our doors.
What made us make these overhauls? Well, aside from us having an identity crisis every other year, and the submarine exploding giving us a bad rep, we want you to feel your best every time you walk into Subway. Or, as best as you can feel after eating one of our sandwiches.
First of all, the beloved $5 Footlong that hasn’t been $5 for, what, about 15 years? Yeah, we’re upgrading that sandwich to be $20 now. Here’s the deal: buy one for $20, get the second for $25! That’s a bargain if you have a bad grasp of the term. Worry not, we’ll still be calling it the $5 Footlong, though, because tax is $5, and something about America is that we’re all about taxes.
Another long-awaited update is our employees are now able to nunchuck that long plastic bag we put your sandwich in across that sweet, greedy face of yours. It’s only right to put you in your place since we’re the biggest chain in the world.
Finally, we have big plans for our employees, your beloved Sandwich Artists. Their new titles are Sandwich Tortured Artists, because that’s more relatable, and true. When you enter our happy storefront and order your sandwich, you must address them as such. For example, “Hello, Tortured Sandwich Artist Kyle, may I get a footlong tuna on wheat?” Note that that order is not reflective of Subway as a whole; whoever orders a footlong tuna on wheat is a nerd. It’s just an example, okay?
At Subway, we also love savings! That’s why we decided we needed to do more saving, which is where you, our customers, come into play: Saving up a lot of money to be able to afford our sandwiches and a lot of words said when you tremble in fear of being smacked by a footlong plastic sandwich bag – yeah, we’re still not environmentally-friendly. Fuck Mother Earth and if the last thing on this planet is a Subway, then we’ve done our job.
Just because we’re rebranding doesn’t mean we want you to forget what made Subway what it is. But it wouldn’t hurt if you suffered amnesia resulting in memory loss of the last 20 years or so. To be clear, despite what the studies say, our tomatoes do not give you amnesia and it’s the last time we’re discussing it. Go ahead and Google “Jared Fogle” and go right to page 99. See? Just a nice Latino man living in Omaha, Nebraska as an accountant.
For our traditionalist fans who are afraid of change, rest assured the bread made out of yoga mat chemicals WILL be in the new $20 Footlongs. New sandwich, same carcinogens. We’re excited to evolve who we are and although it’s true our chicken is only considered 50% meat, we’re going to double down on this and make it 25% meat because we don’t stop until you’re completely ashamed entering our completely fine dining establishment. Like I said, you can’t move forward without looking back at what you did and not learning from your mistakes.
You’re not going to see any of our competitors be this willing to change who they are to give you the most mediocre sandwich possible. Jimmy John’s promises they’re “freaky fast,” but for sandwich aficionados, it’s simply far too speedy. I like my sandwiches made as slowly as possible by people who are upset to be there in the first place. It’s their patience I applaud and you need to give them the space they need to vape over your ingredients.
When you’re at Potbelly, you just can’t trust them. They make your sandwich and then they put it in the oven. But here’s the catch: You can’t see it. Where did it go? People don’t like getting their sandwiches kidnapped, which is why we want our customers to watch us like vultures putting lettuce in a piece of bread. Don’t get me started on Jersey Mike’s, too. People from New Jersey don’t eat sandwiches because they’re eating pizza, pasta, and any other stereotype I’m going to perpetuate, so let’s start and end there. Needless to say, our competitors lack transparency and are stuck in the past while we’re moving forward but not forgetting to take a few steps back.
We’re willing to do anything to get you into the door, even if accidentally. Hop on the subway train now because sooner than later your favorite sandwich store, bank, and mom-and-pop shop will become a Subway.
