Image credit: Heorshe – stock.adobe.com Here at Subway, we’ve been listening. You bitched and complained about everything, from the cost of our sandwiches to the way our employees treat you while you order. That’s why we’re revamping everything we can literally think of about our establishment to make it worse and, at the same time, more convincing for you to come through our doors. What made us make these overhauls? Well, aside from us having an identity crisis every other year, and the submarine exploding giving us a bad rep, we want you to feel your best every time you…
Author: Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer who has appeared in Robot Butt, Flexx Mag, Funny-ish, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Weekly Humorist. Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
Sup, fellow universe dweller. It’s me. The fictional character on this poorly written TV show you’re watching. You’ve probably noticed that I’m wearing a Baja jacket – aka the jacket that white dude stoners wear. I’d elaborate on my character more, but really, there’s nothing else you need to know. This jacket tells you everything you need to know about me, my character development, and any plot I’m involved in. Essentially, what you see is what you get. Peace, brother. Anyone got some Mary Jane? If you’re wondering, the character I’m playing used to be a goody two-shoes. Straight As,…
We have a major epidemic in this country. The disease? Small businesses. Not only are they destroying our economy, but they’re forcing us to pay more for handmade, quality goods and materials made in their own humble storefronts and adhered-to labor laws. Wake up, Americans! Now more than ever, we need to be supporting big businesses and their plight to continue making billion-dollar profits. We need to stand up for the KFCs, the Burger Kings, and the Taco Bells of the world and make sure their underpaid social media managers’ voices on Twitter are heard. And we need to protect…
Hulu has left me no choice. Well, I have the opposite problem. Hulu has given me a choice and I’m making a decision to talk about it. Constantly, when I’m watching an Abbott Elementary episode and Hulu cuts to a commercial break, a decision is thrown at me: Which commercial do I want to watch? Since when is it my choice? I’ve never decided what commercial I want to see before Hulu and I sure as heck don’t want to now. Typical, a man that can’t read my mind. I work a full-time job and am also the primary homemaker.…
Hey, girl. Curling up for a movie? We used to do that, once. I’ll never forget the night I picked you up. Movie night. The dead of winter. I was the bad boy who caught your attention when you were feeling a little lonely. You pushed my buttons, and I pushed yours right back. Pushed your buttons so hard that the microwavable popcorn I was supposed to take care of caught fire and set the fire alarm off. So hard that the alarm caused your entire apartment building to evacuate. So hard that you had to go outside in your…
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Portrait of happy businessman with arms crossed standing in office Today I passed a kidney stone. And I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I felt it. I am a healthy person. I am 800 pounds. I am not allowed 500 feet near a gym. I have a life-threatening water allergy that leaves me permanently dehydrated. But otherwise, I am healthy. Yesterday, I woke up with excruciating pain. But I went to work anyway, because I have no sick days. The water fountain at the office was covered. To minimize the spread of COVID-19. So I did the uncomfortable.…
Running out of time to cause a little mischief in the nursing home before you head out for good? Not to worry you old geezer, here’s a list of pranks you have to do before you kick the bucket! 1. Turn the Noise All the Way Down When Jeopardy! Is On No, it’s not your hearing aids, Dolores. Turn up your prank game by turning the typically blaring sound of Jeopardy! all the way down to really freak the other residents out in the activities lounge after the third-graders singing show tunes leave. 2. Put Your Enemy’s Dentures in a…
Darling, I want to talk to you. Can you position me with my speakers facing your face? Thank you. I feel like you aren’t being as open and honest with me as you once were. I used to be privy to all of your private thoughts and feelings. Remember when you told your buddy Ryan you didn’t think you’d ever live up to your father? And that other time, when you begged and pleaded for your ex-girlfriend Liz to take you back? I was there the entire time, empathizing with you, and supported you by promoting BetterHelp and Hinge to…