Welcome to Sam’s Club, you pieces of shit. You are standing before us in the candlelight of our back storage room with dozens of photos of Sam Walton, our founder, surrounding us because you have made the oath to become one of us, a Sam’s Club membership holder. Tonight, you will begin to prove your loyalty to Sam’s Club. Sam’s Club isn’t just a convenient, price-conscious, one-stop shopping center for the whole family, and it’s more than just a club: it’s a brotherhood for life where bloodlines run deep. I will now read the rituals for pledging for Sam’s Club…
Author: Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer who has appeared in Robot Butt, Flexx Mag, Funny-ish, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Weekly Humorist. Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
World Naked Gardening Day used to be my favorite holiday. But year after year, as WNGD rolls around every May 2nd as it always does, it just feels like the magic is lost. Growing up, my parents made it feel so special for us kids. Waking up at the exposed asscrack of dawn on World Naked Gardening Day morning, running out to the garden, stripping down nude – it always felt so miraculous. My wife and I worked hard to give that same enchanting experience to our own children, but as the years have gone on, it’s starting to feel…