Author: Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman

Honey Bear, my love. Take a seat on one of the tree stumps over here. Me and the cubs wanted to gather you today because your behavior we’ve seen over the last few months has been, well, unbearable. As the head of the sleuth, we rely on you to show us model behavior, and the way you’re cleaning your bottom is something we cannot bear to see any longer. Sorry I’m choking up, but we can’t watch you use a bidet to clean your behind any longer. This isn’t who we are, and looking back, it’s hard to admit we…

A few weeks back, I did my typical morning routine. Woke up, poured myself a black coffee from a pot I’ve never cleaned and went through the Fox News notifications I got overnight. As I ignore all of the school shootings and libtard stuff, I come across some WNBA broad named Brittany Griner being held hostage by Putin because of a vape pen (a lady cigarette)! Uh, total yawn? No wonder no one is really talking about it! I just think an NBA player would be a much more talented Russian hostage than this woman they got locked up. One…

O Ive, Saint of Apricot Scrub, hear my prayer! Thou hast cleansed mine face and mine soul, and today I come to thee and ask that you exfoliate and make new my reputation at St. George’s Monastic School. Acne is a plague to the soul at St. George’s and I feel as if I am most stricken. I ask of thee that your grainy and somewhat concerning-looking substance clear me of all zits and pimples, so that I can be asked to the St. George’s beach party-themed school dance and meet a husband that I’ll marry the day I turn…

Not everyone’s lucky enough to go to the same school as their girlfriend. Me and my girlfriend Brittany, who is a real person but just goes to a different school that you haven’t heard of, know what that’s like. We miss each other all day every day, and then when I finally get to FaceTime her to battle our Pokemon in the evenings, I get cut off by my mom’s screech that the Bagel Bites are ready, destroying any chance of getting a blurry screenshot together to put on Instagram. It’s rough. The love of my life Brittany is as…

Anonymous Bat: Waking the Anonymous Bat up during the day to read your novel was, first of all, pretty rude. They even had to buy more storage in their Cloud just to open this document! God knows he needed the extra storage; he has a pretty spicy daydream diary and some Batman erotica. Speaking of erotica, you’re going to need a lot more sex scenes to keep the bat interested.  Anonymous Giraffe: The Anonymous Giraffe is already stretching its twenty-foot neck out for you, stating he’s willing to send out the novel to agents, so you give him this mess…

Source: Steve Berry I’m not the healthiest person and I, Cavity Sam, am the first one to admit that. But I thought licensed doctors would be able to fix me in one operation. Turns out, I’m so messed up to the point where my body would be under the care of rookie residents! As I lie awake, my naked body covered in dust from being stored in your parents’ basement, I’d like to have a word or two with the “surgeons” who 100% committed malpractice on me over the years. If it was your plan all along to play Operation…

Hey champ! I heard it was your first time out on the town since Miss Rona broke your trust and ability to socialize normally, and you’re feeling a little anxiety-ridden, huh buddy? Not to worry, me, a rooftop bar, is always here to welcome you back to the party lifestyle. It might take some getting used to, but you’ll be back to your good ol’ embarrassing drunk self before you know it! To get you re-acquainted, let me give you a tour of the crib, huh playa? You won’t have to worry about safety here; it’s not like you’re at…

Credit: Nickelodeon SpongeBob SquarePants encapsulates everything and anything a child or depressed adult could ever dream of in an eleven-minute segment following the shenanigans of life under the sea: ADHD, recreational drug use, and a squirrel wearing a string bikini showing major tit. One thing, however, that it has painfully lacked in its more than twenty years on air has been its failure to address life’s truth. And life’s truth is that not everything is Krabby Patties and jellyfishing. While everyone – well, nearly everyone – wants a happy ending for a titular character such as SpongeBob, life’s truth is…

I’ve been on Cameo more than two months, and not one person has bought a video message off me. But why? The Juice is skilled at many things: football, acting, and always getting the job done. Whatever your beef against me, one piece of evidence that’s been proven true is you can receive a Cameo from me that slays for the price of $500. That’s a price that can’t be beat, even when the beating comes from yours truly! So why doesn’t anyone want a Cameo from me? If you purchased a Cameo from me, I’d make it super personalized…

Times are a-changin’, alright. And I gather we’re sacrificing some of our truest, most wholesome old-fashioned family values with this change. When friends and family inquire lovingly what I miss most about life before this gosh-darned virus, I’ll admit every time it’s casually strolling down a street, seeing a passerby nod my way, grabbing their face and absolutely hocking a loogie into the back of that kind stranger’s gullet. Jesus, take me back! It was such a simpler time, too. Simple in that the mouth was as free as a bird, open and ready to receive a good hacking into.…