Pfizer Points: If you were a fan of our somewhat effective COVID-19 vaccine, you’re going to love Pfizer Points. Save big money with Big Pharma where for every COVID-19 vaccine you get, you’ll receive five Pfizer Points. And there’s no limit to how many times you can get jabbed, so pull your sleeves up and cash in. As well as purchasing our other Pfizer products like ChapStick and Advil to earn you points, those who reach 10,000 points can redeem for a magic, non-FDA approved pill that will make you live forever.
Lockheed Martin Rewards: Unarmed civilians, now’s your chance to get your hands on something deadly an uneducated 18-year-old already has with Lockheed Martin Rewards. Bullets and points are flying with this program; when you purchase nine $50 million drones, you’ll get the tenth drone free. Fight for your freedom and deals with our unbeatable reward system.
Tinder Rewards: Our dating app that’s designed to never be deleted is now offering rewards to people who are trying to fill a void! The more bad matches you get, the better! For every dick pic, you get ten points. Match with your second cousin? Twenty. Get murdered by your match? Fifty. If you redeem enough points, we’ll let you delete the app and end your suffering.
Smith Funeral Homes Points: At our national funeral home chain, our new rewards system is going to have people dying to be a part of it. Everyone knows the hardest part of losing someone you love is not that they’re dead, it’s where you’re going to have their funeral. We’re encouraging people to bring their corpses for points! For every funeral you have with Smith, you’ll get 25 points. The more funerals you have, the more fun! When you reach Gold Status, we’ll kill you and throw a funeral for free in your honor!
Marlboro Rewards: The fun doesn’t stop when you lose your first tooth due to tobacco-related tooth decay! For every lung transplant you get, we’re offering you 5,000 points, which can be cashed in to buy five packs of cigarettes! Want more daily rewards? We got you. For every hacking cough you let loose, add ten points to your total. That’s 1.5x as many as our competitor, the Camel Rewards program! And don’t forget about our Sharing is Caring referral program! Every time you let someone bum a Marlboro off you, you’ll get 1,000 points! Double that if it’s a person’s first cigarette ever. Triple it if they’re a child!
Calculator App Rewards: 5 x 10 x 7 = BIG REWARDS FOR YOU! Whether you’re calculating the tip you should leave at a restaurant, or splitting utilities with your roommates, we want to GIVE BACK in a BIG WAY. For every equation you type into the calculator app, we’ll give you the answer! You don’t have to be a big nerd to enjoy big rewards! And the best part is, at the end of each month, we’ll email you a list of all the calculations you made in an attached Excel document! We’re a little broke over here at Calculator App Rewards, but join today and get the power of knowledge! Please!
Walgreens Laxative Tablets Rewards: You probably don’t even recognize our brand, but we’re the over-the-counter laxatives you got in a serious stitch that one time you ate too much cheese. And no, our rewards are not a part of the overall Walgreens Rewards program, it’s just the Walgreens-branded laxatives specifically. Anywho, we thought, hey, maybe you’d like to try us out again? For every package of us you buy, we’ll promise you you’ll shit it all out! And… and, for every time you defecate to the point you’re in pain (which is what we promise), we’ll offer you five Poop Points! For every 100 Poop Points you collect, you’ll receive another package of us and an IBS diagnosis!
