Today I passed a kidney stone.
And I can’t say I didn’t see it coming.
I felt it.
I am a healthy person.
I am 800 pounds.
I am not allowed 500 feet near a gym.
I have a life-threatening water allergy that leaves me permanently dehydrated.
But otherwise, I am healthy.
Yesterday, I woke up with excruciating pain.
But I went to work anyway, because I have no sick days.
The water fountain at the office was covered. To minimize the spread of COVID-19.
So I did the uncomfortable.
I took the paper cup off the spout.
And I drank water.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Until plop.
A stone slithered out of my urethra.
I looked it dead in the eye.
I flushed.
Looked at my watch? It’s 2:05 p.m.
So, you know what I did? I went back to work.
For me, the job is never finished.
Because I have sales goals I want to smash.
Because there’s a promotion I want.
Because I have a wife, twelve kids, both sets of grandparents, a small petting zoo, and three Victorian child ghosts at home that I provide for.
I finish what I set my mind to.
Share this if you’ve passed a kidney stone today.
—
A few months back, I met up with a client of mine for coffee. He told me he was looking to change jobs.
I was shocked.
This client was outspoken in meetings.
This client was a top performer.
This client had been part of the company for nearly ten years.
But, every time my client had to pass a kidney stone and needed time off, he was met with, “Again, Kevin?”
He was denied paid leave starting after the seventh kidney stone in three months.
This company had once called him “family” but was now telling him to “drink water.”
Your company’s not family when you say you’re feeling constipated before a kidney stone passage but still get seconds at a department potluck when some people didn’t get to have firsts yet.
Your company’s not family when you’re reeling around your bathroom floor or hospital bed, depending on your company’s insurance, but more often than not your bathroom floor, begging for death rather than naturally passing the stone.
And your company’s not family when you’re passing what feels like a massive stone through the teeny tiny tip of your massive penis.
This client… was me.
I’m actually still looking for a job though because of the kidney stone situation, so I’m proud to announce that I’m #opentowork.
—
Have you ever wondered how you can incorporate kidney stone passage insights into your business?
That was my first thought when a kidney stone struggled out of my urethra early this morning.
Since I founded my startup Squeeze five years ago helping other businesses create company culture through trust fall workshops, I’ve learned this: when you own a business, your life = your business.
It’s interconnected.
Just how my kidney stone and my bladder were, until it was time to launch.
The minute after I passed my kidney stone, I rejected a visit from my wife and kids and set up a Zoom meeting with Squeeze’s Chief Data Officer, @Michael Franklin.
After a five-minute all-hands-on deck one-on-one, we knew we had to pivot into the kidney stone passage space. After running some estimates, here’s what we found:
Teams who pass kidney stones together saw an estimated sales increase of 500%.
Teams who pass kidney stones together saw an estimated retention rate of 100%, because they wanted to be near the people who they passed kidney stones with.
Teams who pass kidney stones together are more than coworkers: they’re patients sharing a hospital room.
We saw an opportunity for Squeeze to bring people together through kidney stones. As of a couple hours ago, we are now in the kidney stone space.
Squeeze is there for you whether you’re squeezing your coworker in the form of a hug, or squeezing a kidney stone out of your wanker – or asshole! We celebrate diversity! Shout out to @Carol Jenkins, our one female employee!
This is the future of business. If you’re not there, you’re gonna get left behind.
So, are you ready to take the first step? Are you ready to transform your business? DM me or any of our Main Squeezes tagged here to learn more. @Mark Newton @Alex Burke @Josh Peterson @Tanner Lincoln @Ron Calhoun
