The NFL regular season has come to a close which means we’ve finally gotten to what matters the most: contract negotiations between billionaires and millionaires. There’s 7 head coach openings right now. Which should mean 7 opportunities for some brand new minds to hit the scene. In reality, the same 7 old guys will trade teams like MTV’s Wife Swap with less dinner table scenes.
We say enough! The NFL needs a shake up! And we mean something beyond just the wildcat offense or a white running back! We need new leaders on the field, and we’re not going to find them by digging through the trash of a losing franchise. We’re going to find them in this article that you’re reading right now.
DANNY TANNER
Father of Michelle, Stephanie, and D.J., brother-in-law of Jesse Kastopolis, and friend of Joey Gladstone, Tanner knows what it takes to bring together a group of talented individuals that don’t mesh on paper, and turn them into a winning team. Like that time that Jesse’s band needed a new guitarist, or the time that D.J. had her first date. Both manageable situations that Danny somehow turned into a complex issue involving 7-9 people. If you don’t think he can turn any team around with one motivational live studio audience backed speech, you can just cut it out!
Rob McElhenney and Ryan Reynolds
These two recently became big names in soccer, or as most of the world calls it, super football, because they proved it isn’t just heart, passion, or tactics that win games. It’s having so much money. I feel confident that if we make them the head coaches of any team in the NFL, they will successfully fire all the players and hire more expensive ones that are better, like Lebron Games or Michael Vick. Then, Rob will be way too hands on despite his inexperience, with Reynolds popping up once or twice a season to say something snarky yet endearing. Don’t give them the Jets, there’s not enough money in the world.
A Fully Grown Redwood Tree
Now, I’m not one for the intimidation factor, but if you’re any kind of fan of boxing, then you know Iron Mike did it the best for a reason. Imagine trying to kick a field goal from the 45 to tie the game and hope you squeak out OT while you have a 200 ft. behemoth on the enemy side. It’s menacing and it’s certainly how you guarantee homefield advantage. Just think about a linebacker tackling someone out of bounds into Coach Redwood. That’s an annihilated spine at the minimum, so how could the Eagles do that bullshit sneak when Jalen Hurts was obliterated from this earth between Bobby Wagner and a 3 ton tree. I rest my case and request a 2 million dollar finder’s fee.
DONALD TRUMP
A live microphone 3 times a week? Check. A group of strapped, angry men who require a loud old fart to tell them what to do? Check. A big red flag he can throw on the ground anytime he doesn’t like something? Check. This isn’t about giving the guy another platform, it’s about saving America. Donnie Boy got a sample scoop of dictatorship and now will stop at nothing to get the full sundae. The NFL is essentially already Donald’s weird Republican dystopia. A bubble outside of the rules of modern public perception where you can land a starting QB gig in between sexual assault allegations and the court case for said allegations. So we might as well just let him have a team so he’ll maybe stop trying to end Democracy. For what it’s worth, his “WALL” idea would work pretty well to stop the high-power 49ers offense.
KAKASHI SENSEI
When you look at the work he’s done with the Hidden Leaf Village’s team 7, it’s clear that he knows exactly how to bring the best out of his players. I feel confident if put in charge of the Patriots, he could easily help the team open up all of their chakras, and then teach the lethal hidden blade to Myles Bryant. He would unfortunately have to eventually kill Ezekiel Elliott to stop him from becoming too powerful once his Sharingan activates.
TAYLOR SWIFT
Full disclosure, I don’t know who this person is. But when I’m watching football games, they do several camera cuts to her looking upon the field in a glass box they made just for her. I think she must be the inventor of football or, I suspect, the secret head coach of the Chiefs already. So why hasn’t someone just offered her the job on their team? Probably because of sexism, something our next candidate knows about all too well.
Elder God GLA’AKI
I̴̢̢̙̤͈̲͙̞̦̺̰͚̻̮̋͆͊̆̎̈́̏͘ ̷̢̡̥̭͕̮̙͕̺̻̩̜̤͖̖̤̯͌̈́̄̌̂̄̋̉̄͂̅͘͘f̷̻͕͇͎̹̜̩̓͊̀̏̃͑̎̍͑͛̎e̷͓̗͕̤͇͙̣̭̫͎͈͌̀͆̊͋̐͝e̴̡̧̨̤̭̣̯̭̞͇̋͜l̸̛̳̂͂̈́̔̇̋̇̾̄̆̔̑̎̑̔̃͘͝ ̴͚̙̠̹̙͇͕̲̰͈͓̲̆̔͒̀͛́͗̑́̎͂͘͝ļ̵̖̠̙̣̲̔̍̿̒̈͐̉́͗̇͜i̷̘̤͔͖̰͔̳̻͚̫̘̥͐̅̓̓͆̿̇̈́͝͝k̷̛̟̿͆͑̑͋͗͛̉̊̾̍̍̑́̈́͛͠e̷̡̢̖̩̼͚̗͕͙͍̍ ̷̛͈̻̝̦̑͗͗̆͗̌̇͛͐͒͌̈́͆́͘͠͝ͅh̴̛̛̗̝̹̺̀̐͊́͛̿̾̎̕ë̴̻͍̞̯̘̗̯̺͍̝͌͐͛̌̓͒̈̓̎͆͆̍̀͝ ̶̫̺̽͝ẃ̵̛̪̜͉͖̪̮̭̪̮̜͇͙͍̹͛͑̀̐̋̍̊͂̇́͜͠ͅơ̶̢͈̘̫̺͚̼͈̺͖̖̪̱̗͍̝͙̱̏̃̎ử̶͖̱̞͍̗̭͈̤̙͚͍͇̣̪͙̮̦̳͇̫́̎̊̋͗͒̾̀͌͊̎͒̓̊͠l̴̛̲̹̘̮̦̺̹̓̊̒́̎̔ḓ̶̬͗͊̾̄̾̎̅͐̀̓͆͑̓͆̚͝͝ ̴̛͈̊̈͗̒̈́̈́͂̔͐͋̉́̕̕͝m̵̧̛̛̱̮̣̳̭̫͖̩̭͙̳͚͚̀́̆̋̉͗́̓̉͐̃͆̒͑̒͘͘͜͠a̸̩̙̞̻̤̰͈̗̯̹̹̍͝k̸̪͈̽̾̓̓̊͂̏́̏̅̒̅͗͋̾̚͘͘ę̸̢̱̤̜͓͎̲̮̹̖̣͚̙̥̣͕̠̓͛̂̊̃͜͠ ̴̖̺̹̜͊̇̐͆́̓̆̒̍á̵̱̑͊̾̏͂̍̅̾͐̎͌̃̄́͑͂͝ ̶̧̡͇͙͕̬̰̰͑l̵̛̤̭͆̔͛̐͌̾́̚͘͝ò̸̡̜̭̤͔͍͉͚̩̭̳̝͍̰͇̊̈́̀̃̇̀͐̇́̒̀̍͠͝ͅͅg̷̡̡͈̪͓̦̙̳̪̦̳̞̲̘̗̊̓̀̾͒̂̂͛̓̀̋͋̂͋̕̚͠ͅͅì̵̳̖̻͉̫̋͊͆͋̋̉͛̈́̚͘͜͜͝͝ç̷̪̙̮͈͎͚̝̟̳̤̈́̍̌̿͐͋͜͝á̶̡̨̖̰̲̬̖̫̣̦̗͕̝͙̠̰̬̹̬̈l̵̛͚̻̤̤̹̖̽̇̃͊́̆̀̆͛́̓͛̕ ̷̧̢͓͕̹̜̜͈̹̫̯̱̠̬͇̠̣̩̈́̍̆̄̔͗́̾̃̓a̷̧̡̼̘̘̹̲̺̞͓̓̾͋́̉̄͒̏̉̆̚̕n̷̨̡̛̛̝̱̬̗̞̟̲̺̜͎̠͚̓͗͆̽̂͆̕͝ď̴͎͙͙̗̞̦̔͗̍̇̋͛́͂̀̎̚̕͜ ̴̛̘̬̰̫̭͎̜͎͔͋̊̿̂̓̊́͒̿̅͒͒͑̊́̏̄̚͜͜͝ͅͅr̷̡̮̱͇̪̤̰̯̯̤̮̒́̈́́̋̋̃̑͠e̶̛̜̮̪̻̗͔̱̞̗͋̍̋̅̅̊̓̈̐̋̐͗̈́͠ȁ̶̛̬̎̆̃̓͘͠s̸̨̩͍̪͕̺̦͔̞̗͒̀̒̾͌̉͗̇̾̾̈́̈́̆͌͆̀̒͝͝o̶̡̜̖͚͕̮̯̠̝͔̲̎̎͗̀̄̅̅͛͐͑͊͒̑̈́̍̋͗̀̚̕ͅn̷͇̜̬̦͔͈̪̜̜̥̗̱̖̼͖̦͂̎́̿͛̔̽̈͆͂̈́̄̀̍͋͘͠͝ͅą̸͕̙̙̫̮̞͖̰̞̣̦̍͑̿͌̈̉̂̀̂̽̾̍͘͠͝͝͝b̴̢̲̮͚̰̯̩̻̳͙̱̼͓͇̮̽̅̽̊̿͆̉͜͝l̸̛̛̤̻̜̥͕̒̊̓̄̌͒̎͂̆̔̕͘͠ȅ̴̖̭̌͒̌͜ ̸̡̛̥͎̳̺̣̰̦͓̻̲̱̅̍͊̒̍͛̎̆͛̌̉̑̿c̸̡̢̛̼̟͓̙͙̗̝͚͙͉͍̞̺͔͇͛̃̈́͒͗͑͆͋͌̀̋̈́͆̒͜͝͠ǫ̸̢̨̛̠͉̱̖͚͈̼̘̣̜̳̾͛̈̒̀̈́̉̆͠å̷͇̜͔͉̙͈͙͓̇̋̈́̈́̐̓̓̉͊̂̑̓̆̎̃́̕̕c̸̛̘̦͋̊̆̋̿̅́̐̽͒͗͘͠͠ȟ̵͉͓͔̻̩̙̺̪̬̆̑͗̄͐͠ ̸̨̢̙̳̣͙̜̤͚̯̭͎̥̞͖̔̽̒͆̐̃̀̽̾̀̿̋̑̍͜d̸̢̧͈̗͇͔̟̟̂͆͛̽̌̕ư̷̢̧̧̼͇̻͎̠̫̪͉̗͈̝̱̣̱̩̜͛̂̇͒͂̑̓̇͆̚̕̕͘͜͝͝ẹ̴̛̫̘̹̦̙͈̈́̑̀̀͊́̔̎͗̔́͌͛͗́͠ͅ ̶͔͉̲͔͕̲̎͐͆̏̔̑̆̿̒͂́̅̌t̵̯̳̞͔̲́̊̒͑̍̆̃͂͌͆͘̕̚̚͝͝͝͠o̷̘͓̽͊ͅ ̷̢̢̫̖̰̣̰̮͚̗̼̺͎͚͍̐̒̋͐̓̔̑̄̈́̆͐͐͋͊͊͛̄̿̕͘͜ͅh̴̛͍̼̪͎̬͐̈́́̅̾͒͂͐̉̋̔̑̉͘i̵̛̱̜͕̗̳̞̘̫̮̟̳͂̈́͑̌̀͌̄̎́̀̈́̓̐̇̈́̐͘͘̚s̷̢̨̗̥̰̟͈̱̀̈̅͋͐̀͛͒̍̀́͊̐̚͝ ̷̡̛̛̰̯̭͓̭͕̪͎̺̗̝͍̬͔̼̿͋̒̽́̄̈̈́͂͊̋͗̉̈́͆̈ḧ̶̖̪̊͐̈́̾͌͐̉̎̈́̊͗̚ͅi̴̢̨̧̧͖̦̭̹͈̳͖̥̫̻̇̐̅͜g̷̢̭̟̲̞̳̹͕͇̅͂̈̎͐̈́͝ͅḩ̷̡̨̘͔͚͕̹̝͖̥̘̹̆͐͂͂͆͊͋͆̔̇̃̚͜͝ͅ ̷̖̞̋̊̊̂̓̚̕l̶̲̝͇̭͖͎̣̦̣̞̣̦̿̈̔͆e̸̢̥͙̤͋̽̓̾̀̑̔̐́͑̃̆̎̚͝v̷̢̫͕̟̣̮͖̭͚̘̻̝̲̹͐͒̑ͅę̵̲̟̼̱̗͇͔͕̂̊͌ļ̴̡̛̛̹̣̪̹̫͙̬̠͈̥͍̻͉̟͕̭̗͕͐̌̑̐͒̒̀́̿̃̇̉̌̈́͆̈͠ ̵̢̛̥̭̜̻͕̣̞̳̙̠̰̰̟̜̦͉̹̣̈́̉́̓͌́̀͌͐͘ͅŏ̵͚̳͂͝͝f̸͎̺͉̰͚͖̠̩͔̫̱̗̯̠͍̖͋̋̿͜͝ ̶̦̹̻̝͕̖̋̂͐͗̌̇̋͛̈́̚͘͠͝e̵̡̛̹͖̠͇͎̠̬̙̗̖̮̗̭̝̳̱͓̽͒͐̐̃͑̈́̆͐̎͐̋̀̽̒m̴̢̘̤͕͓̯̞̩͌p̶̧̢̡̰̼̯̯̖̞̥͒̃́͛͗͑͗̈́͆͊̈́̓͝ậ̸͈̭̻̽̐̀̏͊͗̆̅̌͑̾̓̋͆̋̆͘͠ͅt̴͔̪̃́̒̾̐͑́̋̈͐̏̂̚͝ͅh̸̢͉̫̣̖̪͔̤̏͊̎͒̄̔̌͗͑̇̈́͘͝ͅy̴̢͔͇̳̣̮̞̠̫̤̾̈̓̆̏͆̄͗͑͆͝ͅ ̵̹̝̻̮̙̙̏̉͌͋͑͂̕͘ạ̸̙̺̖̦̹́̀͜ņ̶͓͎̯̯̹̹̗̱͖̯͗̏͌̍̋̉́̾͊͆̔̐̅̓̔̍́͊̚͝ͅḑ̵̹̫̱͓͚͆͌̒̏̑̓̂̀̑̓̄̕ ̶̬̱̬̇̇͛̑̂̐̿̀̍̎̈́͒w̵̥̼͚͋͆̈́̌̔̎̈́̆̓̂͠ī̵̺̞̼̫̖̂͂̿̃̉̀͆̓͐͗̍̐̕͠͝s̵̢̧̙͍̐͗̓ḏ̸͉͈̠͐̑͊̈́͒̓͆̿͌̕͘͜͝͝͝͝ơ̶̦͔̩͍̟̼͚̋̄́͛̀͐̇̿͛̈͊͑̋̎̕͝ͅm̵̢̯̤͖̭̯̥̙͙̪̯̯̬͎͚͕̘̚͜ͅͅ ̸͈̭̙̲͙͖͎̘̜̖̻͎̥͕̎̿͊̀̉͐͗̉͑̏̍̽͘̚ģ̵̯̜̻͇̜̘͎͖̏̓̐̓͐̽͑̈͜͠ă̸̢͕̟̲̘͖̬̩̦͓͎̱̰̩͕̹͚̔̈̌̎͗̈̄̎̚͜͠i̴̛͓̫̳̰̝̬̳͕̻̭̘̯͕̬͇̱̙̽̈͆̃̽̓͂̓̀̓̿ń̶͕̜̣e̸̢̨̢̖̯̥͇̟̝̖̻̰͍̹͕̔̋́̄́̄̈́͒̀́̕ͅḑ̵̛̛̛̹͓̱͔̻̩̱̫̼̲̲̳͔͎̭̩͊͛̀̑͆̏̄̉̀͐̐̈́̈́͠ ̵̨̼̩̟̤̩̳̂̏̉̈̅̏̚͜͝͝͠͠ͅo̸̭̲̓̔͘v̸̡̡̧͖͚̗̬̺͖̣̮̖̥͍̙̙̼͈̟̍̒̈́̊̿̽̏͛͊̅̆̓̏̕͝e̶̡̳͎̲̯͍͖͈̫͉̣̜̜͔̤̩̳͑̆̔͜͜r̸͍̖̐̂͆̈́̐̋́̾̌̀͂̕ ̵̟̬̣̍͑ͅt̵̢̢̞̻͚͖̟̝͆͌̊̈́͌͗̀̉́̿̋̉͠h̵̲͕̲̹͍̥̳̪̽̽̏̄̽̂̇͛̽̈́͐͊̑̆̇̀͘͝e̷̡̢̧̛̬̣̲̦̰̭̞̺̍́́̓̋̏̿͑̎̉͠ ̶̧̢̮̳̟͎̪̪̰̙̳̙̂̋̅͒̇̓͂̍̕͜l̵̢̯̉̉͊͂̃͆͝͝ȃ̸̙͈̟̤̪͙̳͇͖͍͓̈́̽̆͒͑͐̾͗͋̇̈̏͘͠͝͝͝ͅş̴̫͚͍̬̇͌̆̈́̐͜ͅt̶̳̠̓̑̎͗͂͗̉̆̒̾ ̷̧̛͚͉̞̹͍̙̲̫͈̳͎͈̻̘̾̒m̷̨͖̖͎̰̒̄͛̈́̀̓̃̌į̸̛̘̘͔̩̱̻͕̇̿̓̌̉̍̕l̷̥͈̗̂͗̾̽̀̃͆̎͒͗͛̈́̕̚l̸̨̢͔̞̝͈̆͠e̶̢̹͖̹̠͔͍͉̳̯̳̝̻̓̿͌͐́̒̆͆̅͑̎̊̕͘͠n̸̨̞̭̟̻͊̌͒̇̏͒̄̋̿̃͌͋̕͝į̸̢̨͍̟̬̠̼̙̙͐͋͗̽͐̌͛̐̋̽̃̀͋̒͌͆̏͠͝a̷͈͔͕̹̽̾̐̍̔̽̓̎͘͠͠.̴̧̢̢̢̧̗̣̼͚̰̩̖̻͚̳̰̫̭̠̖̏̈́̈́̆̃̈́̌̉̆̀̃̿̐̒̕͘͝ ̷̛̥̤͚̅̇͂́̑͂̇̓́͠H̶̨̛͎͈̝̭̞̺̩͆̒̎̄͆́̒̍́̕͝i̴̧̤͈̬̮̭̝̰̙̰̬̰̗͕̼̱̾̽̆̉̈́̆̎́̅̄̊̏͛͌̈́͜͠s̷̢̡͓̫͖̦͕͉̬̹̳̥̮̈̂̄̃̾͂̎͜ ̴͍̜̳͚͉̩̦̪̭̼̪̲͓͎̖̈͑̍̍̇̔̽͂͑̅̿́͘̚̚k̶̢̡̢̛̜͚̪̬̺͓̻̥̲̹̺͌̈̄̑͆́̋̓͆̉̍̉́͑͠ͅǹ̶͎͈͕̜̣͍̗̫̟̓̋͋͌͐̆́̈͋̂͑̑͂ọ̴̧̲̯̘̯̘̦̦͓͉̙̫͓̙̖̬̣̑͌̈́̓̎̌͘ͅͅw̷̡̦̤̰̳͈̖̼͈̹̭̤̠̹͍͛̒̈́͘ͅļ̶̛̞̭̗̤̱̝̮͈̤̭͔͖̘̞͂̽͒́͆̑̉̈̉̽͗͗͗e̴̢̛̛̤̺̟̪͖̞̫͖̳͖̪͕̗͍̘̞͎̅͊́̐̓͌̾͒̐̓͛̒͆̕̕d̷̨̧͇͓͓̬̹̭̰̦̬̮̫͓̮̰̍̉̀̈́͘͜͝g̴̨̤̙͕͉͗͐̈́͆͘͝e̸̢̨̛̲̦̣̜̳͕͚͓̠͔̦̭͉̼͕͕̦͜͝ ̵̨̛̘͔͙̤̠̱̟̭̮̣̗̪̍̎͐̒̎̍́̈́̀̆ͅǒ̶̢͕̖̥̟͚̪̯̩̤̯͇̽̈́̒̓̎̄̽̕͝f̷̢̜͍̳̫͂̃̎ ̴̧̢̨̛̱͇̭̖͉̫̤̥̯̯̜̬̩̻͍͖͌̀̈́̐̒̋̂̈͑̄̋̆̎̾͋̈́̎̂̈́͜t̸̢̧̨̛̛͖̜̰͓̞̣̼̻̤̖̑̽̂̐̈́̔̍͑̆͂͛̌̓̚̚͠͝h̴̨̧͉̪̳͎̹̉̒̐́͑̌͆̓͘͜͠ḙ̴̢̧̦̲̱͕̞̫̫̮͓̟̦̥̤͌͐̉̈́̈́͐͐̂̓͗͋͑̑̅͌̍̿̍̚͜͜͝ ̸̳̘̗̞̯̻̖̣͔̪̏̆͋g̸̻̺̯̱̮̹͉͓̿͒͑͛̆̇͆͛̊̏̃͗̐̆̓̚͘̚͘ͅa̷̩̣͓̍͋̏̄̏̇̚m̶̛̯̍͌̉͒̎̎̅͌̉̈̈́̈͗͘͘͜͠͠ę̶̱̣̝̘̭̯̖̦͎̗̫̙̥͇̜́͜ͅ ̶̲͙̘̭̫̬̜̬́̍͝m̵̢̢̢͕̳̘̫̠̣̩̻͓͇̦̳͕̹͍̪̼̀̎͒̏͆̄̅̉͗̑̈́̎͒̐̽̃̕͘̚͝a̸̡̧͎̩͙̹̣̗̱̹̥̼̫̯̳̖̠͑͝ͅͅy̴̡͔̦̪̼͈͑́̈́͐̔̀̋̽͊̌͆̑͑̉̽͝͝͝ ̵̡̢̰͔̖̺̹͉̟͙̘͙̐̈͊̄̄͐͋̈̀͆͜b̷̼̗͌̅͑͐͗͌̓͛͛̈́͒͜ẹ̶̡̨̨̧̦͚̟̗̗̠̮̼̝̙̝̒̋̈́̕ ̴̱̯̰̣̰͚͍͕̤̝̱͌̿̍̂̾͐̋̈̃̓̊̀̀̈̓͠l̷̢̨̡̧̯̭̳̤̺͖̮͓͓͐̑̍̃̀͛̂͂̀̄͜͠ͅa̵̢̛̛̞̖̮̩̠̿͐́͊̃̾̍̈́͆̊̓͝͠ͅc̷̯̰̟̺̩͔̪͈̮̲̖͉̲͚̥̗̾̀͋̈̎̈́̀̾̕ͅk̴̯͈͔̜̻̹̲̦͔͖̯̳̾̍͋̈̓̐̀͊́͛̑͒̂̈̔͌̍́̈́̔i̸̢̛͙͉̣̣̰̭̭̗̯̎̀̓͂́̔͋̚ͅn̵̩͔̟̗͍̟̘̪͇̔̽͑̇̅̆̐̅̀̄́̀͌̉̚̕͝͠g̶̣̠͎̖̲͇͓̙͙̀̀́͝͝ ̸̟̤̼̼̀̋͒̓͐̋̔̒͂̇̎́͋́į̷̨̦̬̙̬͈̳̥̩̪͍̏̂̿͐̚̚͘͠n̴̛͕̞̳̼͈͋̑͗̓̽͋̀̽̔̏̀͝ͅ ̵̢̡̧̝̦̘̿͜ś̶̞̣͙̰̞̟̠̌̏͝ơ̸͖͙̙̫͇̙̬̖̪̗̤̻͔͊̈̏̄̋́̏̌͊̾̄͊̊͠͝m̸̻̙͚̞͑̒̾͊̈́͘͝͠ë̴̢̙̼̠̮͍̘̝̦̬́̔̇́̋͌͑́̄̒̽̈́̀̒͝ ̵̭͙̱̻͙͉̐̉͗̎̈́̋̿́̃̓̈́̎͌͘̚͝͝t̴̛͙̫̝͈͉͙̱̝̩̩͉͎̀̈́́͑́̃͐͂̇̃͒̌̈̍̑̓͛͝͝ę̸̜͕̳͓̰̠͖̥̤̳̟̫̩̞̅͜c̴̢̞̭̤̰̘̲̯̍͌̋͊͛̐̇̚͜h̸̨̡̧͚̳͎̫̺̆̔̔̂́̈́͊̚̚̕n̶͇͉̥̦̬̞̪̱͎̝̹͖͍͓̿͜i̸̧̧̨̟̪͚̠̜̳̙̻̮̰̩̯͙̿c̶̨̢̨̦̹̝͎̹̦̯͚͎͉͈̞͐̈̀̔̋̄͊̑̑̍͑͗̈͝͝ḁ̷̡̡͇̩͖̭̻̺̗̻̱̦̼̇̂̂̈̒͊̿̓̈́̎͋̕̕ͅl̶̦̼̓̉̊̀͂̒̑̾̋̎̒͝ ̶̩̀̉̋͗̈́͌̇͝ā̴̯̎̒̿͌͑̀͗̔̈́̓̉̇ŗ̴̝̻̗͈͎̗̯͔̮͇̬̠̥͉̳̓̄̂̇̈́̇̈̎͐́̚͜͜e̴̢͙̰͚̰̩̞̲͍̠͚̱̯̖̭̔̾̅̑̒̂̄͂̅̄̊́̃̊͘͘͘͜͝͝a̵̛̗̠͚̪̓̑͒̎̍̀̽͂̽͆̀͝s̵̡̝͖͕͖̒̍̅̾͆͐̓̉̊̇̚,̶͉̹̗͎̗̈̅ ̸̡̛̜̟͆̐͋̋̏͠b̶̺̟͍̟̺͆̈́̇͂̽̊͋̚͘ų̴̧̧̼͎̞̠̫̘̹̝̟̠̿̉̌͂͊́͂̾̾̋̉̕̚ţ̶̛͉̰̟̮̖̥̥̯̲̭͔̐͆̓͛͆̑̕͠ ̶̡̡̜̯̝̩͈͇͙͎͕̣̯̯̣͋͋́́͜ȋ̷̡̛̭͔̼͕̘͎̹̯͇̝̹̪́̂͋̋̔͑͒̾̈́͜͝ͅn̷̜̗̙͖͓͓̣̬͓͐͑̔̉̿̆̓̐̆̑̈̊̎̈͆͘͘̚̚͝s̵̢̯̀͂͆͆̏͑̔̈́t̵̡̡̨͍̪̦͈̗̦͖̳̭̩̯̯͎̹̬̻̅͑̄̆͆͐̿̉̀̋̒̓̕̕͠i̵͚̼̟̬̯͇͈͉͌̏̂͒̉̊̾͒̄̏̋̿̇͑̂̕̕ͅl̴̡̢̡̰̬͇̬̰̯̩̪͍̍͛̄͊́̉͒̚ͅl̸̡̨̬̘̘͙̼̱̤̹͕̰̺͍͉̬̽̈̑̂̈͘͝î̴͍̯͎͑̓̉͒͌̽͂͋̓̈́̀̋ņ̸̛̼͓̗̖̠͎̘̥̞͓̓g̴͙͓͇̬͇̣͖̞̓͋̋̓ ̷̨̢̧̳̬̯̞͇̳̬̫̰̩̭͚͔̘̠̈́͆̀͗̾͑̕i̵̧̩̮̲̣̙̞̻̱͋͛̓ͅn̴̯̼͎̙̩̖̔̉̾͑̓̅̔̏̽̈́̅͘s̸̘̳̩̝̹̝̝͕͍͔̭̲̣̓́̓͌̅̓̄̀͜ṭ̵̪̰̓̍̈́̈́̌̌͜ą̸̡̟̥̱̦̖̯̮͈͙̼̯̼̝̼͊̒͒̈͛̀͋́͋̅́͆́̊͘͘̚͜n̷̰̲̞̙̰̓̂̃͋̊̋̑̀̎̌̎͗̏͛͌͋̑͗͘͝t̷̨͖̅́̈́ͅ ̶̧̬̖̰̙̗͓͎͈͖̯͔̹͈͍͓̞̓̇͠͝m̶̢̢̥͙̭̩̖̭̗̩͔̯̞̤͙̰̤̦͐̑̒̊̂̄̀̂̓̇̀͊͝ͅͅȩ̷̼̮̗̑͌̋̓̋̉̂̽͒́̐̅̏̉̇̽̕͠n̴̨̡̞̥̼̺̫̣̺͈̮̻̫̭̯̤̻̹͖̩͆́͂̋̂̿̚ẗ̶̛̘͚́̑̀̽̒̆̈̿̓̀̏̀̚͘̚͝a̴̰̳̬͍̯͚͈̮̽̉ͅl̸̡̧̡̧̟͎̺̮̞͉̰̜̼͙̦̠͚͍̘̗͊̐͒̿͐̓́̅̔͒͘̕ ̵̪̙̻̘̥͐̿̓̂̀̽̂́͛̇̂͘̕͝͝b̶̢̨̛̻̩̫̝͇̈́̈̄̓̎̉̍͋̈́̓̕̚͝r̵̡̰̰͚͇̭͚̙̋̏̊̅͑̊ę̴̨̛͖̝͎̺̦̯̬͓͕͚̤̙͇̯̅̔̇͆̎̾̿̏̋̓̈́̍͑͘̚ͅͅa̸̟͇̠͎̝̅̈́̔ḵ̸̢̛̙̱̬̹̮͔̹̞͍̝͗̃̂̒͊̌̎̈́͘̕̚ş̸̯̱͇̱̣̭̟̖̤̫̻̮̫̼̰̖̭̔̋̌̽̽͂̈͐̈̍́̕͜ͅ ̴̡͔̙̦͔̝̑̈́̈́̔̊́͆͂̑̑͋͊̅̒͐̕͘͘͠͠u̷̫͉͉͆͂̌͛̏́̏̆͛̾̋͝͠͝ͅp̸̤͔͖̘̯̥͎͔̯̈́̈́͐͒̓̓̀̈̍̈́͋͋̔̈́̊͠ͅơ̴͉͍̓͌͗̿͛͐̽̅͛̈̐̌́͋̐n̵̛͙͎̜̯̅́̏̅̊̀ ̴̠̫̞̔ţ̶̬̖̙̟̖͔͆͂̽̽̈̿͛͝h̸̨̻͕̍̉̆̀̌̀̏̍̆̇̀̄̚͝ê̸̛̝̰̜̠̍̀̆̊̽̓ ̷̡̙̩̜̹̳͔̫̖̰̼͓̯̄o̴̱̼̗̲̎͂͆̔̑͑̐͌̑̊̓̆̑́̒̕̚ţ̵͚͈͒̅̏͐͆̄̒͊̈́̅͆̆̃̾͌̒̑͝h̷̢̘̙͙̩̋ȩ̷̧͙̘̜̖͕̖̫̬̖̜̟̠̣̱̂̊͛̓̿͘ͅr̶̡̯͈̥̘̭͖͙̹͈̫̎͆̅̇̄̽̊̀̚̚͘͝ͅ ̵̨͓͈̻̓̊̿̀̑̌̋̎̏̂t̴̨̛̙͓̹̪̩͍͎͍ͅė̸̮̭̥̣̦͆͂̌̈́̂͛͋̅̚͜ã̵͇͚͍͈̍̍̆͂̎̍͗̋m̴̹͚̮̥̭͉͉̘̖͖͚̻͚͖͇̒̐̅̎̽́̓̽͗̓̌͘͜͝ͅ ̸̫̹̀̆̂̉͗̓́̏̇̀̐̋͌̔͂͠͝͝s̸̭̤̦̟͉͍̬̫̗̔̉̇͆̂͋̒͌̒́̊̈̅̚̚̚͜͝͝h̴̰͓͖͈̳̝̱̪͗̄̆͆̒͝o̸̡͓͕̙̻̟̦͖̝̯̙̽̃̍́͑͂͐̍͂̕͘̚͝͝͝ư̵̛͇̗̫̰̭͓͔̩͈̫͍̻̳͈͇͇͚̒͗̕l̸̡̪̤͇̅̒̓̐͌̉͆̃̉̆̏̊͗͛d̵̨͓̗̯̭̻̰͂͆̄̉̃͑̉̔̅̕͠͝ ̴̧̧̢̨͍͖͍͉̯̖͇͕̤̰͈̝̜̳̥͕͛͋̏̃̓̓̃͌͐̌͂̂͌̕͠m̷̬͈̮̘̺̈́a̴̡̼̜͎̩͈̟̙̫͔͎̓̏̃̀̂ͅk̷̨̺̦͓͚̹̻͈̰̒̽̈́̿̍̓̿̋͐̀̔̈́̌̆̓͘̚͠͝ẻ̸̝͎̻̗̟͗͒́̏̍͂̅͌̈̀̊̍́̍́̕̕̕͘ ̴̢̢̞̝͈̣̼͖̰̝̜̟̟̞͇̼͉̓̀͛͗̈͘ͅu̸̝͚̩͓̰͚͎̝̲̬͚̪͈͍̞̹̩̖͆͑̾̑̊̎͑̋͌̕̚͝p̸͔̬̰͓͍̹̰̹͕̉̍̉̀͗͗͂̀̉͑̉̚͘͠͝ ̵̮̖̹̈́͛͊̐̋̍̆̈́͛͒͘f̸̼̰͓̩̭̼̫̺͎̦̟̣̞͙̬͎̒̓̔̿̈́͆̉̊̑̾̒̄̕̕͜͝ǫ̷͉̟̯̤̥̊̑̍̀͂̉̆̅̐̅͘̚̕͝͝r̵͉̪͒͒̆̂̌̎͆͗̒͒́̅́ ̸̧̡̛̛̛̜͇͔͇̙͔̤̫̼̬̮͔̙̘͓̼̏̆͌͒̀̈̆͌̍̃͠͠ͅi̶̮̬͈͍͎͈͖̫͇͍̊̊̓̓̓̚̕͝͠t̶̡̧̢̝͙̯̺͉̣̻̘͓̜̺͈̋͊͂̈́͊̏̎̿̓̉̒̕̕.̴̲̤̜̲̤̜̤̯͕̑̇͑̈̍̃͊̀̇̇̓̈̒̃̍̆͘͜
5 Free Wings from Wingstop if the Pistons Win
Sorry to kind of make this about basketball, but I’m positive that this marketing campaign is the reason the Pistons ended their losing streak. Imagine what it could do for a team that had like a 2-15 record or something. They’d probably at least make it to 3-14 before that season is over.
THE MASCOTS
The Arizona Cardinals have had 5 different head coaches since 2012. You know how many mascots they’ve had in that time? One. With every head coach that gets fired, comes an entire staff that they relied on as well. All kicked to the wayside. You know how many staff members the mascot relies on? Zilch. The head coach gets hired from some other team. You mean we’re hiring a guy who has another team’s shirts in his closet right NOW? The mascot has a routine where they literally devour a small person for just wearing another team’s jerseys. Nobody loves this team as much as that bird. Stop friendzoning and give Big Red a chance!
The Three of Us
Sure, we’d maybe be a bit of an “outside the box” choice, but that’s until you hear our
credentials.
Walter played football in high school. As the 2nd string defensive end, he mastered a technique called “Penguin Arms.” The technique combats the cold weather and lack of movement on the sideline, by stuffing your arms into the sides of your game pants. That’s the type of ingenuity he would use in drawing up plays for our new offense.
Andrew created himself as a coach in Madden and went 17-0 in his 13th season. Bill Bellichick (recently fired old guy) isn’t even IN Madden! Red Flag, New England!!!
Tucker has never actually seen a full game of football. You gotta problem with that? Well consider this. Every single coach fired this past season, HAS seen a full game of football. And they got fired. See the connection? Look, every single team since the beginning of time hires just ONE head coach. Yet, there’s 32 teams and the NFL is averaging 8-10 firings a year. Clearly, something isn’t working out. Which team wants to be at the forefront of innovation and hire 3 head coaches?!
*We will require a full salary for each of us.