Not everyone’s lucky enough to go to the same school as their girlfriend. Me and my girlfriend Brittany, who is a real person but just goes to a different school that you haven’t heard of, know what that’s like.
We miss each other all day every day, and then when I finally get to FaceTime her to battle our Pokemon in the evenings, I get cut off by my mom’s screech that the Bagel Bites are ready, destroying any chance of getting a blurry screenshot together to put on Instagram. It’s rough. The love of my life Brittany is as real as I am standing before you now, and all I wish is that she could be here to meet you all – well, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
A lot of people ask how we met, and it’s a pretty fun story. Pretty much, my mom knows her mom’s first cousin but we actually also met unexpectedly and unprompted at the lake this summer. We were both doing laps because we both like to work out and stay fit, as you can see from my two-pack I gained this summer, when we swam right into each other and her boobs hit my face. From that moment forward, I just loved everything about her.
She loves my two favorite video games and only two hobbies in Madden and Fortnite, but she’s girly, too. She has double-H cups. Her face looks like Zendaya but with blonde hair and she’s also my age. Could you believe we have the same birthday? I could talk about her all day, because every day I think of – I mean, learn something new about her… even if I’m not with her, I mean. Because we’re that connected.
Dude, Brittany and I just celebrated our three-month anniversary last weekend and you seriously still don’t believe me? Well, just last weekend, to commemorate our love, Brittany and I carved our love into that one tree near the high school parking lot: B+C 4ever, 2009. No, that’s not some other Brittany + Caleb, it’s us. Brittany and I just feel like we’re such kindred spirits that we should have lived in a different era, like the aughts. That’s when real love flourished. So that’s why we chose that year to represent us and our love.
Let’s be clear, though, me and Brittany aren’t immune to any relationship issues. Don’t get me wrong, our makeout sessions are as steamy and passionate as ever, but that emotional connection is as important as our very real, physical one. Honestly, you can say that she doesn’t have as big of an imagination as I do, which is disappointing because she sings just like Beyoncè, paints like Picasso, and has boobs the size of Pamela Anderson. Also, the distance between us is hard because as you know, she goes to a different school, a really small private one. I can’t drive for another nine months, so I have to ask my mom to drive me to her huge mansion that has like twenty butlers and a gigantic chocolate fountain.
Sometimes I feel like she doesn’t put the same amount of energy in the relationship like I do. But when you meet the love of your life, distance shouldn’t matter.
So is there a future for me and Brittany? Totally dude. We’re going to keep seeing each other on the weekends of course, loitering at malls you’ve never heard of. I know you’re wondering if I’m going to ask her to homecoming and unfortunately she’s just not into that scene. She says it’s lame and perpetuates the patriarchy. I don’t know what that means but did I mention she has huge boobs? We’re going to try to go to the same college, but she’s really smart and might get into some exclusive school that’s across the country. I forgot the name of it, sorry. But we plan on waiting for each other after college to eventually get married. I’d invite you guys, but we’re going to keep it really small.
What can I say? She’s a private person and wants things kept between us.
Honestly, I’m tired of having to prove to you guys that my girlfriend is real. It just shows your lack of maturity that you can’t fathom having a super brainiac, sexy girlfriend that works on finding the cure for cancer as a hobby. But at the end of the day, she’s the one I want to come home to FaceTime after a long day of marching band.
That’s all that matters. And the fact that she has huge boobs.