Let’s face it: in today’s busy world, becoming a parent has never been harder. And due to increasing work hours and lower wages, many young couples are waiting until things get “easier” before they have a kid.
Unfortunately, while it’s all too easy to tell yourself that you’ll have kids whenever you’re “ready,” I’m here to tell you that’s just not true.
Sorry, folks. But it never gets “easier.”
It never gets “less stressful.”
And, worst of all, there’s never a “right time” to have a child.
Unless, of course, it’s during Childmas, the year-long Festival of Fertility (the once-a-decade birthing celebration where men and women alike are given twelve months off from work to conceive a child, birth it, and then raise it as their own).
In which case, duh, you should definitely have a child then, you dumb-dumb!!!
Look. I get it. Choosing when to have a kid is a monumentally important decision. And, when faced with this choice, many people will ultimately decide that they don’t even want to have children. That said, there are still many young couples out there that would like to have a child, but are delaying this decision until their lives get a little “less stressful.”
But when?
When is that?
In a world filled with rampant income inequality, political unrest, and social instability, when exactly, is the “right time” to have a child?
Ha, you dumb-dumbs. Don’t you remember?
It’s during CHILDMAS, of course!
That’s the best time to make babies. No ifs, ands, or buts about it!
See, during Childmas (the once-a-decade, yearlong, state-sponsored pageant of fertility), all American couples between the ages of 22-40 are allowed to take one consequence-free year off from work to go on an all-expenses-paid trip to the world-famous Childmas Pasture in sunny Boca Raton, FL.
While there, couples will be allowed to spend EXACTLY two months (sixty-one days) of erotic passion in the decadent Conception Cabins. And hopefully (if they’ve both been reeeeally good that year) sometime over the sixty-one-day period, Old Saint Childmas himself will pop his head down their chimney and bless the couple with a very special gift: a child.
Then, thanks to the time-honored rules of Childmas, the lucky pair will be given a lump-sum payment of EXACTLY $650,000 to help them care for their child over the next ten months, after which they will return to their lives, pampered, well-rested, and economically solvent.
That, in a nutshell, is the joy of Childmas.
So if you’re a young adult wondering when you’ll ever be prepared to have a child, well, stop worrying. And instead, start counting down the days to October 17th, 2023, the date of the next upcoming Childmas Eve.
Because that’s when you should have your baby, you dumb-dumbs!
I mean, can you even imagine how stressful it would be if we lived in a world that didn’t celebrate Childmas?
Can you imagine living in a world where most couples were either too busy, or too economically strapped to pursue a family of their own?
Can you imagine living in a world where over 64% of young adults believed that “child care is too expensive?”
Can you imagine a world where we didn’t sing Childmas carols around the fire?
Can you imagine a world without that classic Childmas film It’s a Wonderful Childmas, where the main character, George Bailey, wishes that Childmas didn’t exist (to a disastrous effect)?
And can you imagine a world that didn’t have any Childmas elves in it (Old Saint Childmas’s loyal workers who pass out complimentary prenatal vitamins throughout the course of the year)?
Seriously, can you even imagine living in a world without that?
Jesus H. Childmas, what a bleak world that would be, right?
But, fortunately for all of us, Childmas is real… and it’s real awesome!
So, to any couples out there that want a kid, just remember: a solution is right around the corner. And sure, I realize that Childmas is a bit of an “eccentric” tradition. But it is still a tradition that actually provides for young couples, and allows them to start a family without upending their entire lives. And in this confusing and terrifying world, that’s something we all deserve to have.
And while we’re on the subject, if you’re a non-heteronormative family looking for a child, don’t you dare forget about Adoptukkah!