Greetings, new, sexy stranger! You’ve been accepted into our warm (some would say humid) home because most/all of us have agreed that we want to accept you into our beds (winky face). This means that you are either Javier Bardem, or look like him enough if you kind of squint, and should be applauded for how attractive you are.
Along with this note, you’ll find a gift bag filled with prophylactics, cashew cheese, fig butter, and our preferred brand of soap (Dr. Bronner’s or bust)! Before we get to all of that, let’s go over some ground rules:
1. Curtains are forbidden
Guess what? We didn’t invite you to sleep in a moldy basement room with what we swear isn’t a webcam poking through the ceiling just so you can have privacy when you’re showering, changing, or generally moving around the house. We expect, nay, demand, nudity. You’ve definitely seen one to seven of us naked prior to moving in, so we trust that you feel comfortable enough to comply with this request. If you’re a bit modest, you may wrap a towel around your perfect, Skyfall co-starring bodice. However, the moment we see a shower curtain hung or a screen put up between us and your genitals, it’ll be composted and discussed at our Friday Feelings Session.
2. The Friday Feelings Session, due to conflicting work schedules, is now held on Thursdays
We tried renaming it, but the Thursday Think-Out didn’t have the same razzmatazz. So, on Thursdays, we’ll have our vegan potluck outside, on the block of concrete between the line of trashcans filled with possums, and the generous grouping of tires and needles that constitutes our backyard. Given that our outdoor chill space can really only accommodate five people at once, don’t be afraid to sit in someone’s lap in order to enjoy the bounty awaiting you on our reclaimed coffee table. Over plant protein and seasonal vegetables, you’ll be expected to bitterly, but politely, share what’s bothering you that week. If someone packs a duffel and heads to Joshua Tree for a few days, don’t be alarmed. This is normal. This and crying.
*Please note that if you can’t cook, you may bring a poem
3. All disputes will be decided via paper airplane race
We used to just slap one another, but paper airplanes are a lot more fun. This is how we learned that R.E.M’s Automatic for the People is their best record. We’ve also learned that we’re fans of Carly Ray Jepsen, dislike baboons, and find wigs to be absurd but necessary. Hopefully you too will be able to teach us something with a little saliva and a lot of know-how.
4. You may not sleep with anyone has ever lived in, passed through, visited, or thought about Connecticut
Surprisingly, we’ll allow you to jump on anyone from Maine or Rhode Island.
5. The couch is for sex and Mary Kay parties only
On the one hand, there are parts of the couch that have literally been humped through. Our best comparison is that these parts are like the little tunnel Andy Dufresne digs in The Shawshank Redemption: no one saw them get made, but they sure as hell lead to the outside. On the other hand, makeup takes up a lot of space, and some of us are so very desperate for sales.
6. You may have two dates over per week, but one of them may not use the bathroom
Our water bill is expensive enough with fourteen people sharing two bathrooms in a two-story house. If you’re confused about which date to pick, ask yourself who you like more. If you can’t answer it, perhaps your primary will. Although, it is our understanding that if you ask your primary who you like more, the answer is never who you would have guessed.
*If the date you like less needs to move their bowels, there is a Wendy’s located a short, fifteen-minute subway ride away. IF they need to go at night, please hand them the switchblade we keep near the main door. You’ll recognize it by its glow-in-the-dark stripper keychain.
7. We hold sex parties every third Sunday of the month
It’s said that we’re supposed to rest on the seventh day, but we’d rather orgasm with two friends on an indoor slip n’ slide. In preparation for the event, please slick yourself with the non-GMO wax provided. Also, take the green pills next to the wax. You may notice white pills next to the green. DO NOT TAKE THOSE! Those are a Saturday thing, not a fuck thing.
8. Our sex parties are Dracula-themed. Always.
We understand that you may not have enough for rent AND a costume, so a cape has been provided for you. There is a number on your pillow for a dentist that is more than happy to sand your teeth (you’ll meet him properly at the next party). We also recommend sleeping in the coffin at least twice before the party. It’s surprisingly roomy.
9. We live on a sinkhole, so please screw responsibly
In the past, we’ve had our house skid off the foundation from the awesome power of our group lovemaking. If you think this is ridiculous, it’s only because you haven’t seen the way we hold orgies. With this in mind, please keep the speed of your sex somewhere between two and five miles per hour.
Thanks for reading! We look forward to getting to know you better (second winky face).
Sincerely,
