Psssst. Psssst. Over here. Yeah, hi. It’s me, the badass Darth Vader coffee mug with the lid that you got for a sweet deal just before Christmas. Yeah, hey, so I’d really like to ask you for a favor. Um, can you please rinse me out, a tad. Please?
I mean, I’m trying to be nice about this, I could use the Force choke trick and really show you who is in charge in this situation, but I also see the benefit of being nice, since I don’t have legs, arms or a torso and I am a coffee mug.
I realize your office lacks even a kitchenette and all but I am totally down with a bathroom sink sponge bath. Know what I mean?
It’s just, you put the lid on, which makes me look super cool and like the complete Vader helmet I am meant to represent, but it’s getting really fuzzy in here.
Look. I’m a big fan of penicillin and the benefits to modern society it has brought but I’d like to air things out a bit.
You had said when you brought me to work that I’d be your “get shit done” mug and you had plans on asserting your middle management authority by taking me to all your important meetings.
But here I sit, just a petri dish in stylish Empire black next to this dying succulent.
Honestly, you can’t keep a plant that needs essentially no water alive?
Your powers are weak.
What, Does the Darth Vader Mug Not Do It for You Anymore?
I know you’ve been really parading that Mad Hatter, hat-looking coffee mug around because shit has been “mad” in the office lately, but I’d like to make a suggestion: Dig deep, get back in touch with your Dark Side and at least remove the mold from just under my dome lid.
For Palpatine’s sake! Rid me of this sunbaked Tauntaun intestinal stench I’m currently living in!
You came back from Christmas break and never even looked at me. You had some new doodads for on top of your desk and spent a lot of time re-arranging things so you could position that insufferable BB-8 droid next to the TARDIS cookie jar and Ludo from the Labyrinth (Bowie’s not Pan’s).
Now that I think about it, that cookie jar has NEVER HAD COOKIES in it. What is wrong with you? You can’t take a break from searching for poorly named documents in Google Drive for a hot second to put some damn cookies in the TARDIS?
When something is defined as being “bigger on the inside” you really should take advantage of that to stash as many delicious cookies as you can within reach of your ergonomic stand-up desk space.
But I digress. Palpatine and Snoke would NEVER put up with this.
Kylo…maybe, but he’s young and has yet to even learn the folly of high-waisted pants.
But, me? I’m Darth Fucking Vader. I should be full of steaming hot coffee or even that Morning Thunder tea with the badass buffalo on the box that you say tastes like dirt and tobacco.
Yeah, that’s the ticket. Dirt tea. But instead, I’ve had stagnant sissy water festering under this god-forsaken lid for months now.
I’ll tell ya what. Let’s come together on this and really make a splash at the office. I’ll help you ramp up your cubicle cred with this amaze-balls chocolate lava mug cake recipe I found on Pinterest.
You KNOW how I feel about lava, right?
It’d be SO hilariously ironic, but only to that one officemate who gave the Star Wars presentation at your last brown bag lunch. I like her, can you introduce us?
I get the sense that she would never let this travesty of an office science experiment go any further.
You know, 80 percent of small children prefer to dress as ME for Halloween. Not that show off son of mine, Luke. I mean, what kind of hero can you really call yourself if small children won’t even dress as you for Halloween?
You didn’t buy a Luke Skywalker mug for your desk, now did you?
I sense a darkness in you and I’m a fan of that. So I’m willing to make you a deal. Give in to your hate and anger over the printer not working and use that to summon the dark side and use that power to WASH ME.
You wouldn’t even have to actually touch me with your hands, because well, THE FORCE. Do this and I will give you permission to talk in the voice.
You know – the sound.
The breathing sound.
Don’t make me do it.
Fine.
“Krissshhhh Hhhwoooo.”
You can do the sound whenever you want but know that you have failed me for the last time.
