Hey! Domino’s here!
We just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your business and your recent order for two large pizzas. We also wanted to let you know that, because of your recent order, you still have a coupon for a free medium two-topping pizza waiting for you to use!
And, as you know, we’ve sent you quite a few reminders about this free promo code. After all, we’re pretty excited about it. We’re talking about a FREE medium two-topping pizza here.
So I guess what we wanted to say is this: What the fuck is your problem, exactly?
Do you understand how much time, effort, and coordination it takes on our end to craft and send these emails? Forget blood, sweat, and tears; the Domino’s marketing team puts its entire soul into these campaigns and you’re blowing us off like we’re any other low-rent pizza chain competing for your business.
That might fly at Papa John’s, but we’re done being treated like shit over here. You know we can see that you’re even opening some of these emails, right? Of the twenty-three daily emails we’ve sent you over the past month regarding this promo code for a free medium two-topping pizza (again, I will reiterate that this is a FREE, no-strings-attached pizza with a previously unheard-of inclusion of two toppings), you’ve opened nearly forty percent of them.
Is the deal not good enough for you? Do you want the keys to our delivery guy’s car while you’re at it? You pigs are insatiable; it’s just never enough. Today you’ll shrug your shoulders at a free two-topping medium pizza, tomorrow you’ll scoff at the very notion of exchanging money for goods and services. You won’t stop until you’ve radically altered the social contract entirely, molding it to your own sick worldview.
You don’t understand what you’ve done to the hard-working team here at Domino’s HQ. In a world of cynics and egoists, you’ve risen to the top as the most selfish prick of all. You don’t care what happens to us, the humans on the other side of this email. You’d spit on our graves if you could.
Clearly our previous strategy hasn’t been working, so here’s what we’re going to do. It’s time for you to use your coupon for a free two-topping medium pizza. We’re not asking and it’s no longer up to you to decide. You’re going to go to our website, put in your order, and you’re going to have a nice little night at home with your family, friends, neighbors, whatever. Throw the pizzas away for all we care, but you are going to stop fucking around with us right now. Today.
So, for the last time one way or another: Click here to redeem your offer!