[The morning after Andy Dufresne’s escape attempt. Roll call. He still has not emerged from his cell.]
GUARD CAPTAIN HADLEY: Dufresne! Get your ass out here! You’re holding up the… holy butt-sucking crap!!! What the hell are you covered in?
DUFRESNE: It’s prison poop, captain.
HADLEY: Fucking why?!
DUFRESNE: I tried to escape last night.
HADLEY: That in no way answers my question and really just raises further questions. Hang on, I gotta get the Warden down here for this.
DUFRESNE: That makes sense. He’s probably pissed that I stole his shoes.
HADLEY: What? No, he has to be told about the escape. Are those his shoes you’ve got on covered in poop right now?
DUFRESNE: Yup.
WARDEN: Did I hear someone say something about my shoes over here?
HADLEY: Warden, Dufresne here…
WARDEN: Sweet stank of Gibraltar!!! What is that god awful stench?
HADLEY: It’s Dufresne, sir. He tried to escape last night and now he’s covered in poop.
WARDEN: Well, I mean, the first part of that I understand. How did you try to escape?
DUFRESNE: Nineteen years ago I started using this little baby hammer to dig a tunnel through this wall, which I then hid over the years behind a series of provocative posters.
WARDEN: But the only thing on the other side of that wall is the prison’s neglected sewage treatment facility?
DUFRESNE: I was unaware of this fact until very recently.
HADLEY: So, you made it to the sewage facility. Then what happened?
DUFRESNE: I broke into the poop pipe with a rock and started crawling towards freedom.
WARDEN: Well, that all tracks so far. But then why are you back here?
DUFRESNE: Because, it was really, really gross down there. Like, the grossest thing ever. Just not worth it. Plus, I figured that any competent prison would probably have a grate or something blocking the end of the pipe, so I cut my losses and just came back.
WARDEN: Hadley, did we ever get that grate replaced?
HADLEY: No.
DUFRESNE: Dammit.
WARDEN: So, had you not come back here and spent the past several hours stinking up your whole cell block, what was your plan going to be when you got out?
DUFRESNE: I was gonna steal all of the ill-gotten money I helped you to ill-get and then turn the evidence I have on you over to the police. Also, I stole a suit and a pair of your shoes.
WARDEN: Oh no! My shoes!
DUFRESNE: Then I was gonna run away to Mexico and years later my best friend Red would come find me there, hopefully while I’m working on a junked boat on the beach.
WARDEN: Red! Get the hell over here!
RED: Okay, Warden, I’m coming.
WARDEN: Your friend Dufresne here…
RED: Great gut-crunchin’ ass!!! Andy, what did you eat, man?
WARDEN: Yeah we know, Red, we know. Your friend here tried to break out through the sewer last night. What did you know about this?
RED: Andy, you planned a breakout and didn’t tell me?
DUFRESNE: Yup.
RED: What the fuck, man? You were just gonna leave my ass in jail.
DUFRESNE: I thought you might tell someone.
RED: Fuck you! I’ve been your best friend for nineteen years. You really think you can’t trust me? I’ve been worrying about you like crazy with the way you’ve been talking lately, but now I find out you were just planning to ditch me in here. What hell is wrong with you?
DUFRESNE: Since you put it that way, I guess we could have just traveled to the beach in Mexico together and avoided a whole bunch of unnecessary nonsense.
RED: What? Beach in Mexico? Andy, did you inhale a lot of weird chemicals when you were in that pipe?
DUFRESNE: Absolutely.
WARDEN: Alright, I’ve had enough of this. Dufresne, go hose off. Hadley, call a plumber. Red, stop smuggling posters into the prison.
HADLEY: What about you, sir?
WARDEN: Me? I have to admit, even as mad as I am right now, I kinda want to check out this poop escape tunnel for myself. Here, hold my shoes.