1. You need to re-decorate the bedroom. Do you?
a) Do it yourself because you’re not paying some bloke a fortune to splash paint on the walls.
b) Pay a pleb to do it and follow them round the house to make sure they don’t steal your Hot Yoga matt or sniff your underwear.
2. Do you know anyone called Oscar, Tarquin, Olivia, Lucas, Penelope, Henry, Pippa or Francesca?
a) You’d get stabbed where I grew up with a name like that.
b) Everyone I know is called Oscar, Tarquin, Olivia, Lucas, Penelope, Henry, Pippa or Francesca.
3. How do you respond to the question: “Are you rich?”
a) Are you taking the piss?
b) I’m not rich, my parents are.
4. Have you ever been skiing?
a) What do I want to skateboard on snow for?
b) Of course, Daddy rents a delightful lodge in Zamut over the holidays.
5. What did you do during the Covid-19 pandemic?
a) Went to work every day to pay the bills and feed my kids – caught Covid sixteen times.
b) Worked remotely from the beach house all summer, which only has three bathrooms.
6. Did you land your current job due to nepotism?
a) What the fuck’s a nepotism?
b) Of course not, Daddy only made me partner because I deserved it.
7. How much tax do you pay?
a) Too much.
b) Tax?
RESULTS:
If you answered mostly (a): You’re a working-class hero. The cream of the crop. A modern-day legend working two jobs to support your five kids, and not whinging or complaining about it for a second. Your back hurts, your cholesterol is sky-high, but you crack on and make the best of what this shitty life throws at you, and what’s more you did it without the Bank of Mum and Dad. Here’s to you, and everything you stand for.
If you answered mostly (b): You’re a middle-class wanker. A white, privileged and ungrateful piece of shit whose life has been an easy ride since the day you were born with a caviar-drenched silver spoon in your smug mouth. Fuck you, fuck your trust fund, and fuck every disingenuous word that comes out of your gold-plated throat. Everyone hates you, and when the revolution comes we’re going to enjoy putting your head up on a spike.
~
