To Whom It May Concern:
For far too long, PETA has watched in horror as Garfield the cat has been permitted to lay around and sleep as much as he pleases, regularly opt out of exercise, and be fed his favorite meal of lasagna multiple times per week, sometimes multiple times per day.
We will no longer stand idly by and allow this heinous crime against a feline to continue.
As one may know, lasagna is quite laden with repulsive amounts of cheese, enriched pasta, and also MEAT. Do you know what meat is made of? Animals. Dead ones, and lots of them. Though the presence of cheese alone should be enough to prompt involuntary convulsions at the mere thought of eating lasagna, it is the meat in lasagna that is most concerning to PETA, as meat is murder.
Thus, PETA has a message for Jon Arbuckle: Not today, Satan. Your slaughter skillets are no longer welcome here.
Not only is feeding Garfield lasagna an act of forced cannibalism, lasagna is also extremely unhealthy. A poor diet can lead to health problems, including but not limited to lethargy and disorientation.
Evidence of Garfield’s lasagna-induced lethargy can be observed in his recurring disdain for Mondays, the traditional start of the western workweek. Not only are these regurgitated musings about Mondays really just not very funny, they are concerning to PETA as further evidence of Garfield’s disorientation, as Garfield does not, and has never been known to, have a job.
Further, PETA believes that Garfield’s poor diet of murder casseroles have altered his mental acuity, and prompted him to make frequent threats to ship Nermal the kitten to Abu Dhabi. The flight time from the American Midwest to the United Arab Emirates would take several hours, with a significant amount of time spent in a shipping container. PETA would like to take this opportunity to note that cats are individuals, not property, and thus should not only never be purchased from pet stores, websites, or breeders. They should also never have to live in fear of being forced to fly coach at the hands of their contemporaries.
In the past, PETA has been accused of taking our animal rights activity too far, so we have taken the liberty of preparing some rebuttals to anticipated pushback in advance:
“But lasagna tastes delicious!”
Excuse us, in what way does a mass grave taste delicious? Is it the addition of oregano? The soft, pillowy layers of hot, bubbly cheese swaddling the taste buds like a newborn puppy with each and every bite? Only a person with the moral rectitude of Jeffrey Dahmer could think that lasagna tastes delicious, so please excuse us while we lobotomize ourselves with a carrot.
“Garfield doesn’t just eat lasagna.”
Yes, we are aware. He also regularly ingests tacos, pizza, fried chicken, hot dogs, spaghetti… all things that belong in a haunted house, not the exquisite digestive tract of a cat.
“Garfield is just a cartoon.”
Was Jaws just an animatronic shark? Is Miss Piggy just a puppet who lacks awareness of personal space? Was McGruff just a dog who liked to snack on crime? At PETA, an animal is never reduced to just anything, even if that animal is a likely sociopath.
“But have you ever actually TRIED lasagna?”
Once, but we didn’t inhale.
PETA has concluded that, for his crimes, Jon Arbuckle must suffer. PETA has explored legal action, and because the judicial system remains archaically speciesist, we were dismayed to learn that there is no formal way to prosecute the feeding of lasagna to a pet. Without the option of legal consequences, PETA will be forced to pursue the only sensible alternative form of punishment, which will be to burn Jon Arbuckle at the stake like the witch that he is.
Thank you for your time. Please stay tuned as we launch a formal investigation into Nermal’s self-proclaimed status as the “cutest kitty cat in the whole world.”
