To investigate my compulsive binge-watching of Fuller House, I’ve held it up against another show I obsessively consumed: Friends.
Both shows are fueled by a story engine of love, both have been granted a revival courtesy of Netflix, and both have a door that is perpetually unlocked, setting unrealistic domestic expectations for those living in a major city. But arguably, Friends is a good show. So why did I watch Fuller House?
Both shows have seen me through various stages of adolescence and adulthood, and they’ve probably shaped me into the person I am today. Just kidding.
But let’s compare and judge them…
SPOILERS AHEAD*
*Just in case someone besides me would care
Theme Song
Friendship and loyalty are the themes of both songs, and are they both stuck in your head now? Same.
Score:
Friends: Four claps
Fuller House: Four harmonized “ahs”
Bob Saget
Bob Saget used to try so hard to prove he’s not Danny Tanner. Bob Saget today, on the other hand, seems humbled. He knows this is the best job he’s ever had and he isn’t resentful (like Joey), or disproportionately cocky (like Uncle Jesse), or above it (like the Olsen twins). I just feel proud of Bob.
(I could insert a link to footage of the warmest Bob Saget hug ever, but I’d rather you find it for yourself; I don’t want to deprive you of the journey it takes to get there.)
Score:
Friends: Zero Bob Sagets
Fuller House: One fully-come-into-his-own-Bob-Saget
Animals
There is a monkey in Friends but he has to leave for business. Also, Phoebe dates a character who shoots a bird. In Fuller House, contrastively, the main character is a veterinarian so you know she loves animals. Plus, the family has a dog and they all love the dog and I love the dog.
Score:
Friends: One unhinged Michael Rappaport
Fuller House: Wook at da cutems!
Chemistry
Courtney Cox married someone (briefly) who is basically real-life Chandler. That’s pretty potent. But when Deej, Steph and Kimmy hug, it’s like they’re hugging you, too.
Score:
Friends: 1, 1-2, 1-2-3-4, 1-2-3-4-5-6, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7, 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7 7… 7
Fuller House: I’ve also watched all 86 videos of a cast member’s YouTube “behind the scenes” vlogs.
Laughs
There are several moments in Friends that I’m confident will always be funny.
In five seasons of Fuller House, I only laughed once because they couldn’t agree how the dog would sound if he had a human voice.
Score:
Friends: One Thanksgiving Moist Maker Sandwich with Ross’s name on it
Fuller House: I can’t stop watching, though
Writing
The writers on Friends understood how to end a series. SPOILER ALERT, Fuller House is a mobius strip. They all move out and then they all come back. In the same scene. It’s not sad, it’s not even happy, it just… is.
Score:
Friends: Ten solid seasons
Fuller House: I’m pretty sure I could have been a writer on this show
Studio Audience
A small yet significant aspect of the viewing experience is the audible studio audience. Over-the-top audience reactions are aggravating (don’t tell me how I should feel!). But watching either show without the audience/laugh track is unsettling, though not as unsettling as The Big Bang Theory’s success.
Score:
Friends: One point for not being The Big Bang Theory
Fuller House: You’re not the boss of my feelings!
Wholesomeness
At the risk of sounding cliche, it has to be said, Fuller House is just so wholesome. Sometimes it’s nice to watch something and feel zero anxiety because everything is okay and everything is going to be okay and even if it’s not okay for a sec, it’s still pretty okay and while we’re at it, I’m okay too.
Score:
Stop feeding me these wholesome lies!
Fourth-Wall-Breaking
Fuller House keeps looking at me. I hate it.
Score:
I hate it.
HELP
I have decided Fuller House is trying to manipulate me with dogs and matured Bob Sagets. I need to escape to a safe show where the actors never look at the camera and the conflicts have stakes and are not resolved so suspiciously quickly.
Score:
I just told my partner what “DJ said” today, as if DJ is my real friend. None of this makes any sense. I can’t remember what the point of this was… WHO AM I??
Final Score
Fuller House has taken me hostage and has made me think it’s my real friends.
It’s too late for me, but you can still make a run for it. Whatever you do, don’t look them in the eyes.
