World Naked Gardening Day used to be my favorite holiday. But year after year, as WNGD rolls around every May 2nd as it always does, it just feels like the magic is lost.
Growing up, my parents made it feel so special for us kids. Waking up at the exposed asscrack of dawn on World Naked Gardening Day morning, running out to the garden, stripping down nude – it always felt so miraculous. My wife and I worked hard to give that same enchanting experience to our own children, but as the years have gone on, it’s starting to feel a little different.
The kids have grown up. We have to drag them out of bed on World Naked Gardening Day morning. Pruning sheers have stopped bringing a sparkle to their eyes for a few years now. And suddenly, they’re embarrassed being butt-ass naked in our front yard tending to our daffodils.
Every year, we used to drive through the rich neighborhoods that had the most over-the-top gardens and sexiest bodies. The kids and I would cry out with joy at how beautiful it all was, and marvel at how special this time of year was in the neighborhood. I always appreciated those neighbors who went the extra mile to make it fun for other families.
However, it seems like in the last few years, fewer and fewer of those families were taking the time to put on their birthday suit and grunt over a heavy wheelbarrow full of mulch. And I get it, we’re all busy. But I’d be the first to admit that I miss it.
The sad thing is, though, it’s not just my neighborhood and family that’s losing the World Naked Gardening Day spirit. A lot of other classic WNGD traditions seem to be falling out of touch, too. My worst fear seems to be coming to fruition: It’s been years since a group of unshaven, naked gardeners have rung my doorbell in the middle of the night to sing carols to me and my children. Famous carols like “Where the Hoes At?” and “Silent Lawn Mower” have not been playing on the radio this year or over the loudspeaker at the local Home Depot. There isn’t even a Michael Bublé NBC singalong special with his crooner tunes about planting seeds with your big, juicy ass out.
For me, the best part of World Naked Gardening Day is the story of Gary the Naked Gardener. It’s a 45-year-old overweight man who travels all over the world on his magic John Deere lawn mower and comes in the middle of the night to scream “Get off my lawn!” He doesn’t stop until we give him $1,000. My kids absolutely loved him and, well, his arrival to my home this year is just going to feel different. Will we have to be six feet away from jolly ol’ Gary? I’m afraid to find out.
From what I’ve seen, department stores have been the biggest sign to me that World Naked Gardening Day just isn’t what it used to be. There was such beauty checking out at Macy’s and the cashier would say “Happy World Naked Gardening Day.” But nowadays every cashier says, “Sir, please put your clothes on, or we’re calling the police.”
What happened to the America I used to know? I miss the World Naked Gardening Day of yesteryear.
But there’s a reason why people don’t feel comfortable publicly celebrating WNGD as they once did. It’s the War on World Naked Gardening Day, and it has one common enemy. It’s all a malicious agenda by Big Clothes. And believe me, they don’t just have pockets, their pockets are deep with money.
Ever since people started to wear clothes when they started gardening, there’s been a war on World Naked Gardening Day. But it’s not just a war on naked gardening; it’s a war on freedom of speech, family, and frankly, America. Were Adam and Eve wearing clothes in the Garden of Eden? No, they rode God’s John Deere lawn mower all over with their genitals out.
Sorry, sorry. I don’t mean to get all nasty and political. To be honest, I think I got all riled up because I’m beginning to realize that World Naked Gardening Day stopped feeling special to me the year Nanna died. Every year, she was the first one out there, exposed and au naturel in the family garden. She made sure all of us kids had new, sharpened hoes. And she grew the most delicious, most rich, and most dank weed in the state. If you were lucky enough to get one of her special weed brownies during World Naked Gardening Day time, you were absolutely in for a treat. So when she passed on… nothing really felt the same. How could it?
But now I’m starting to think, just maybe, Nanna had World Naked Gardening Day right all along. Embracing the holiday in all its glory can make you feel, well, naked – literally and emotionally. At its roots, World Naked Gardening Day is what you make of it, with the people you love most, while parading around with gardening tools sharp enough to cut your nutsack off with one misstep.
I want it to feel like that again. So this year, I’m pulling out all the WNGD traditions. Who’s got a hoe?
