If you can’t keep your moronic opinion to yourself, you should recklessly share it with the world in an op-ed. Unlike most of the content in newspapers, which is written by staff writers, the op-ed page is where unaffiliated writers share their expertise, interesting perspectives, and, in your case, stupidity. Below are some tips for crafting your piece, which will undeniably be a disservice to public discourse.
Connect It to Literally Any Current Event
Opinion pieces are most effective when they’re tied to current events. Because your opinion is so absurd, however, you can tie it to anything in the news. The connection will make no sense, but it doesn’t matter. Just work in some news from a random article in your Google News feed.
If You Insist on Writing an Op-Ed, Keep It Short
Newspapers have limited space, so even pieces based on defensible opinions should be limited to 750 words. Since your opinion is so dumb, you should strongly consider keeping it to yourself. If you insist on sharing it, try drawing it. If you absolutely must express it in writing, observe the 750-word limit.
Use Simple Language to Showcase Your Simple Mind
The most successful op-eds avoid jargon and communicate complex ideas in short declarative sentences. This shouldn’t be a problem for you. Your idea is so uniquely stupid that it’s unlikely any jargon has formed around it. And any sentences of even modest complexity wouldn’t be able to communicate your idea’s stupidity. Just write how you speak: in three-word sentences containing no more than four total syllables.
Hook (Trick) Readers With a Strong Opening Paragraph
Effective opinion pieces grab readers’ attention immediately. In most cases, an interesting anecdote, a startling fact, or humor is used to hook readers. But your opinion is so ludicrous that your first paragraph should consist entirely of sex-related emojis. (Note: some publications won’t publish emojis, so it would be a good idea to submit sexually suggestive text art as an alternative opener).
Tell Readers Why They Should Care
After every sentence, ask yourself: “So what? Who cares?” The answer is no one. But ask yourself anyway so you don’t start thinking your opinion is the least bit compelling. To ensure readers finish your article, end every paragraph by suggesting the next one will tell them how to get free stuff.
Make a Single, Preposterous Point
It’s hard for even competent thinkers to express a single opinion in 750 words. It’s even harder for you to express anything in words. So don’t try to squeeze in all the contradictory thoughts, non sequiturs, and fallacies that underlie your beliefs. Stick to one foolish idea that you mistakenly believe to be worthy of public conversation.
Fabricate Evidence to Support Your Opinion
Op-eds are short arguments, and arguments need evidence. There is literally zero evidence for your opinion, so you will need to manufacture some. Intelligent readers like science, so cite some studies that never happened. Also, work in the phrase “the scholarly consensus” wherever possible. If you want to make your “argument” airtight, make up a quote and misattribute it to an ancient philosopher, preferably an Eastern one.
Make Some Unrelated Recommendations
Good op-eds recommend solutions to problems. They’re not mere analysis. Yours isn’t analysis at all, so you better make some really good recommendations, like the barbacoa burrito bowl from Chipotle, or taking naps.
Acknowledge Opposing (i.e. Correct) Viewpoints
Many writers inappropriately focus solely on why they’re right and their opponents are wrong. You have an advantage here. You’re wrong and everyone else is right. To acknowledge this, add the following footnote to every sentence: “Reasonable people may disagree with this claim, and they’d be right.”
In the Final Paragraph, Apologize for Wasting Readers’ Time
Readers who make it to the end of your piece deserve an apology. They can’t get those four minutes back. Apologize to them, and tell them how to get a free barbacoa burrito bowl from Chipotle.
