I’ve never been to a gun show but I’ve checked them out on YouTube and read a bit about them and I must say they seem excruciatingly dull. Just tables upon tables of guns and rifles (plus some knives and militaria) on display, with a bunch of people milling around, and that’s about it.
No glitz. No comic-con or auto show vibe. No value added.
Well, I’m here to fix that. Because if gun show promoters want to grow their product and not oversee its demise, they’ll need to adapt to the expectations of today’s young consumers. They’ll need to adopt the kind of approach I present below in my depiction of what a truly “with it” gun show would look like:
GUN SHOW. GRAYVILLE EXHIBITION CENTER. JANUARY 24-25, 2020
Meet Mendy II: A fully-functional, six-foot, kid-friendly robot, Mendy will answer your questions about exhibits, provide directions, suggest (on request) an itinerary for your time at the show based on your interests, and even pose for pictures with the kids. Your wish is Mendy’s command – just like the amendment she’s named after!
Savage Arms Theater Presents: Mornings in the Savage Arms Theater, we are proud to present poet Harry Pittinger, author of the self-published I Want to Marry a .44. The .44 referenced in the title is Harry Callahan’s .44 Magnum from the movie Dirty Harry. “It would lie in my bed/just like we were wed/and if I fell off a bluff/it would inherit my stuff,” writes Pitinger in the title poem. Each entry in the collection is dedicated to a famous movie firearm. Mr. Pittinger will read poems from the book and sign copies afterward. Afternoons in the theater we will host mimic Addy “Mr. Sounds of Rounds” Stevens. Just like Larvell Jones from the Police Academy movies, Mr. Stevens can expertly mimic firearm sounds unaided. Get ready to duck!
Your Pieceful Home: Gun enthusiasts everywhere are beset by quandaries about how to display their weaponry in their homes to best accent their other home furnishings. Should I hang my 12-gauge over the mantelpiece or go for a more homey look by leaning it upright in a corner of the living room? Should I display my rifles vertically in a rectangular, slotted wooden box like the one on the wall in Sheriff Taylor’s office in Mayberry, or should I hang each one individually and horizontally on a wall in ascending fashion? If the latter, should they be displayed in a straight line or diagonally? What about my pistols – frames or glass cases? Discover the answers to these and other questions in our “Your Pieceful Home” seminar, conducted by well-known local interior decorator/gun enthusiast Bruce Boltman. Attendees will be gifted a free home window display that says, “Welcome To Our Pieceful Home,” which can serve as both a warm welcome to those who are welcome and a sinister warning to intruders.
Armed to the Teeth: Come to the show literally armed to the teeth and receive a free dental prophylaxis from Peter Whiteman, local dentist/gun enthusiast.
Free Psychic Readings: Would I win a bet, if made, with my hunting buddy on who bags the first elk this season? Will I get that minigun for Christmas I’ve been hinting at? What scoundrel made off with that Mauser my grandfather brought home from the Great War? If you find yourself asking questions like these, Madame Bulé, local psychic/gun enthusiast, may be able to help.
Look on the Gunny Side: Roderick “Rod” Peppercorn, president of the newly-established National Rifles and Then Some Association will provide tips on how to bring your anti-gun friends over to “the gunny side.”
Where’s the Ammo?: We all know the Obama administration had been hoarding ammunition for years in their drive to create an ammunition shortage, thereby inhibiting the ability of responsible gun owners to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights. Similar to the popular Where’s Waldo? series of children’s books, Where’s the Ammo? allows children to search for the hidden ammo in the White House and various government buildings and installations. As a bonus, inside the back cover there’s a cartoon illustration of former President Obama saying, “I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” Copies can be obtained for a small charge at the welcome desk near the entrance, across the isle from Mendy II.
Quick-Draw Artist: Not what you may think. In less than fifteen seconds local professional caricaturist/gun enthusiast Rick Hands can produce an amusing caricature of you holding (if you so wish) your favorite sidearm or rifle. If he takes longer, the nominal fee of $5 is waived.
Guns N’ Poses: Ever picture yourself manning the ramparts of the Alamo during Santa Ana’s siege? Or of Fort Washington as the Hessians attack? Or of Fort McHenry while English rockets burst overhead? You can be placed in the middle of the action in any number of historic battle scenes through the wonder of photo manipulation upon visiting our “Guns N’ Poses” booth. Hosted by professional photographer/computer geek/gun enthusiast Philip von Lentz.
Café Reload: Visit Café Reload if hunger pangs strike during the show. Among our offerings: Our famous BAM! burgers (single, two-barreled, or four-barreled) for lunch, Loxed n’ Loaded bagel sandwiches for breakfast, and for the health conscious, our Shotgunned Salad with our house Smith and Wesson Dressin’.
Now, I fully realize that gun show traditionalists may find my suggested changes distasteful. But really, I’m only here to help! I’m sorry, but if the leaders of the gun show industry fail to adapt, I fear the industry will one day go the way of the battle axe. And like the battle axe, it won’t go out with a bang.
