Dear sir,
First off, we here at KFC would just like to thank you for your enthusiasm. It is devoted customers like you that make our franchise such a worldwide phenomenon, and we could not succeed without your continued, unbridled support!
Unfortunately, although we appreciate your obvious passion for our world-famous Kentucky-style chicken, we fear that you may have potentially misinterpreted one of our company’s key slogans.
Sir, when we say that our chicken is “finger lickin’ good,” we were referring to, specifically, your own fingers.
Not all fingers in general.
And it is crucial that you understand this distinction.
As the executive board of KFC, we (of all people) respect your unwavering fervor for KFC’s delicious breaded poultry, and yet, over the past few years, we have received multiple complaints about your, how shall we put it, ostentatious behavior.
And in the sake of full transparency, we just wanted to offer you a few pointers:
First and foremost, although our company’s slogan has been “Finger Lickin’ Good” for the past six decades, this slogan was never meant to apply to another person’s fingers (especially if the person in question is, quite literally, a complete and total stranger).
You must understand, not only is this rule due to a myriad of health reasons, but more importantly, in most situations, the act of lickin’ the chicken-coated fingers of a stranger could easily be construed as “rude” or “insensitive” or even, God forbid, a “flagrant violation of every social convention that has ever been known to man.”
And even though your actions clearly came from a place of love and appreciation, we regret to inform you that, apparently, many of our other customers (specifically those in our downtown Louisville 4th Street location) were deeply unappreciative of your actions. Especially considering the eye contact you maintained with all the other customers in the store.
As you have hopefully learned from your ill-fated experiences in Lexington, Paducah, Frankfort, and Elizabethtown, this kind of behavior is just a little too gung-ho for most people’s liking. Also, for future reference, even when you are lickin’ your own fingers, please do it discreetly!
You should never, under any circumstances, thrust your entire fist into your mouth, slurp loudly, and then scream “I’M LICKIN’ MY FINGERS SO GOOD RIGHT NOW YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!”
These actions make KFC a less-inclusive place for all of us.
However, we recognize that blame does not lie 100% on your shoulders. And with that in mind, we have updated our advertising slogan as follows:
As has previously been noted, we here at KFC are eternally grateful for your continued patronage (indeed, according to recent calculations, you are personally responsible for over $200,000 of our company’s annual revenue – talk about a superfan!). But hopefully, with just a few small changes, we trust that you will amend your misguided ways and continue to support KFC for decades to come!
All the best,
The Executive Board of Kentucky Fried Chicken
KFC Headquarters
Louisville, Kentucky