Everyone has had an annoying or disrespectful roommate at one point or another, but I feel like my case is a little different. I can’t quite put my finger on what’s going on, but here’s what I’ve been dealing with recently:
Signs… I Think?
I get that everyone has a vice and so I try not to judge when my roommate spends hours chain-smoking outside in the back alley, pacing back and forth. I didn’t think much of the piles of cigarette butts while taking out the trash. But when I looked out the kitchen window, I saw that the little piles spelled “LEAVE.” Is he trying to go? Does he want me to go? Huh. This is more cryptic than my old AIM away messages.
Animals’ Sixth Sense
Pets can feel an earthquake moments before it hits, see ghosts, and know when you’re coming down with norovirus minutes before you do (it’s all about the methane gas!). And something about my roommate irks my cat so much that whenever they interact he hisses and hides under my bed. The funny thing is that my roommate hisses back and a second pair of scaly eyelids rolls over his eyeballs. Is Mr. Darcy on to something?
Exterior Coatings
My roommate constantly leaves the backdoor unlocked. At first it pissed me off, but it turns out he’s actually covered in a weird layer of slimy… mucus? Whatever it is makes handling locks very tricky and he says he needs the door unlocked so his friends can come over. I mean, that’s fine but they’re super creepy and they just stand there, staring at each other. The other night I woke up to go to the bathroom and they were lurking in the hall, silently. Are they communicating telepathically?
Every Day Is Laundry Day
I thought the slime is why my roommate runs the laundry machine all day. But he wears the same grey sweatsuit every day and washes different-colored clothes of all sizes. I peeked in the washer yesterday and the dang thing is full of black beans and random jackets and sneakers! Then my roommate walked in flicking his scaly eyelids and said, “Chili party!”
What the actual hell? That coat looks like our neighbor’s but I haven’t seen him around in a while. Maybe he’s on vacation?
Disorientation
Every damn morning I start my day by looking for where my French press has been hidden. My roommate is always rearranging my things without asking and I’m starting to think that he wants me to go crazy. The other day I spent twenty minutes looking for my keys and was late to work. Oh, there’s my French press, of course it’s in the fridge! And is that… a giant tub of chili? Oh my god, I think there are pieces of brain in there? Whose brain is that? Mr. Darcy! Where’d you go?
Non-Verbal Communication
My roommate and I don’t talk a lot. Instead, he does a lot of whistling. All day, and all night, that guy is whistling the same exact diddy. Maybe he’s communicating to his buddies, who have now taken up residence in the back alley, but I want to say, “Tell them something they don’t already know, buddy!”
Also, he really sucks at carrying a tune, it’s giving me a headache.
Nocturnal Creatures
My roommate prefers to be nocturnal and gets very cranky when exposed to sunlight. He loudly gargles his complaints when I so much as crinkle a plastic bag at 10 a.m., but he’ll stay up well into the night, drinking pots of coffee, smoking handfuls of cigarettes in the back alley with those other guys, and you guessed it, whistling. I think they’re up to something. Have you seen my cat anywhere? Ow! My head is just throbbing!
Peanut Butter Lovers
Okay, so this might be completely off-base, but my roommate reminds me of the alien from E.T., because they both love peanut butter treats. If I forget to put away a jar of peanut butter, it will be licked clean by morning. Is he doing a high protein diet? I’ve heard that peanut butter has healthy fats that are good for your brain. Maybe I should eat some! Oh right, he ate it all. Jesus Christ! His friends are just staring at me through the window!
Comfort First!
So it’s no surprise that my roommate likes being comfortable, given his sweatsuit wardrobe, but he’s taken it up a notch. I woke up at three o’clock this morning to the sounds of my roommate shoving a new couch down the hall into his room. Where did this couch come from? Who was that guy helping him? Why is my stuff in boxes outside? Is that a human-sized pot of chili? Oh great, another killer migraine. Mr. Darcy, where ARE you?