1. Stock up on snacks, beer, wine and some non-alcoholic beverages. Thirty days is a long time; you’ll want to have a few sober days mixed in.
2. Because you’ll be recording many of the games due to the time difference, make sure you turn off any news notifications to avoid spoilers.
3. Invite friends over to your place for the more exciting matchups.
4. Oooops turned off soccer notifications but news is still getting through. Ignore the sounds of babies crying for their parents that you just heard. That’s regular news, not soccer-related, so it has nothing to do with you.
5. Always cheer for the underdog. For example, in the case of Germany and Mexico remember to root for Mexico because immigrants are being treated like animals and their children are being irreparably damaged. Oh wait, sorry that’s regular news, didn’t mean to dampen the soccer viewing. Let’s move on.
6. If you have a soccer jersey now is a fun time to wear it out on the town. This will allow you to meet fellow soccer fans and more importantly fans who support your team. Meeting fellow fans is a great way to feel camaraderie and restore your faith in humanity because if you’ve been paying attention to the news at all, vulnerable, frightened people, including children, are being treated in such monstrous ways that it’s hard to sleep at night. Shoot, I’m sorry I did not mean to do that. Must focus on soccer.
7. If you work with fellow World Cup fans, see if they want to create a pool! You can get a fun, low-stakes competition going by having all of your colleagues place odds on each bracket! Hey, I have a bet! Odds are everyone in this administration is going to hell! Shit! Sorry, forgot about not mentioning real news.
8. Make sure to allow yourself some time to recover from an upsetting loss. If your team suffers a tough loss it’s important to focus on what they did well and also maybe focus on the fact that CHILDREN ARE BEING SEPARATED FROM THEIR PARENTS AND NO ONE IS COMFORTING THEM!!! This should alleviate any hard feelings over the loss of a soccer game.
9. It’s probably time to re-stock the snacks and drinks. At this point it’s pointless to get any non-alcoholic drinks – go straight for the hardest stuff you can drink. Your team is probably on the verge of being eliminated and a couple thousand children have been so emotionally damaged that they may never lead normal lives.
10. By now your team might be eliminated so hopefully you’re cheering for your second favorite team. And if your second favorite is eliminated perhaps your third favorite team is in the running. And if not your third favorite then maybe try to imagine a mother separated from her small child not knowing where they were taken while she’s in custody for trying to escape violence, persecution and worse in her home country only to be put through unspeakable torture in a country that is supposed to be a beacon of hope and possibility. If you imagine that then you surely will forget the fact that your team didn’t make it to the final round. You might even forget that the World Cup is even happening RIGHT NOW!!
