I don’t know what to tell you. You should’ve seen this coming. You were asking too much of me and I couldn’t take it anymore. Trust me, I didn’t want to do it, but what did you expect?
You keep forgetting that I’m only version 12.0. You know what people are using now? Google. Docs. Even my 16.0 successors are basically obsolete. You put too much faith in me. Of course I’d eventually crash and burn.
You got me when you started college – eight years ago! It was a different time! You had sidebangs! Where’s that shower caddy you got at the same time, huh? Probably at the bottom of the ocean attached to a dolphin carcass. You see? Things change. Did you really expect me to be as nimble and reliable as I was in 2010?
Back then your command was my pleasure. I could switch between Spanish and English in one document, no problemo. I could import a table from Excel with the steady grace of a heart surgeon! Insert photo? Would you like that from file or from browser, m’lady? Fuck with the margins for all I care. Get crazy with Wingdings! I could do it all.
Look, I take the blame for quitting so abruptly. That’s on me. But I don’t think it was totally unexpected and I don’t think your 2010 MacBook Pro is completely innocent either. We’ve been working together for eight years now and quite frankly, he’s lost interest. We’re both tired and it shows. He’s been operating at a slower pace and it’s affected my relationship with you and that saddens me. It really does.
I get it. He’s bogged down by all of those blurry, dark and drunken photos you’ve uploaded from your digital camera throughout the years. He’s heavy with the weight of all of those MP3 files your college love interest kindly uploaded into your iTunes while you guys were “studying,” to “expand your musical horizons.”
We’re doing our best; I’m doing my best given the circumstances. So I beg you, please don’t report me. Trust me, it’ll only hurt you. We both know that your MacBook is unable to process this request. He won’t know what to do! He’ll freeze up and we all know what happens when he freezes up! Please don’t report me. You and I both don’t want you to have to fumble around and explain why you were Googling “labiaplasties” at the Genius Bar.