Thank you, thank you so much everyone. It is truly an honor. Growing up, I thought I was just your average kid. But it was because of participation trophies like this one that I came to know the truth: I am, unquestionably, the best at absolutely everything.
First and foremost, I want to thank my parents. Mom and Dad, without your constant encouragement I may never have realized how talented I was at everything I ever did. Thank you for pushing me to be the best I could be, because the truth was that the best I could be was way better than the best anyone else could be. It was you who taught me that if at first I didn’t succeed, there must have been a mistake. I sincerely hope you’re proud of the man I’ve become. I mean, you should be, since I’m here on this stage tonight accepting these trophies.
Come to think of it, I don’t remember you guys ever winning any trophies. Not once in my entire childhood. So, to be frank, you should be really fucking proud of me, since it’s pretty clear that all this talent didn’t come from you two. The apple fell pretty damn far from the tree this time, didn’t it, Dad? Probably the farthest any apple has ever fallen from any tree. Actually, this apple jumped, it didn’t fall. On purpose, and with the grace of a goddamned ballerina. And just for the sake of the metaphor, it’s the biggest, reddest, juiciest, winningest apple on the tree. If it hadn’t jumped off gracefully and on purpose, it totally would have been picked first.
Thank you also to my teachers and coaches for never failing to recognize and reward my many talents. Even though you also recognized and rewarded the other kids, I knew from the beginning that those other trophies were all just a hoax. It was a great team effort from all of you really, making sure all the other kids on every single team and in every single class got a trophy too, just so they’d think it was for “effort” and that everyone’s a “winner” and we’re all “equal.” I truly applaud your genuine compassion for the feelings of those poor, innocent, average children. Although, I have to admit, it is very satisfying to stand here today and say to all of you: your trophies meant nothing because I’m the best, you dumbshits. Seriously, you guys all looked so stupid. Especially you, Chad. I hope you’re sitting there with your average, meaningless trophies crying an average, meaningless cry.
To Chad, I would like to take a moment to say: Fuck you.
Last but certainly not least, I want to thank my rock, my biggest supporter and number one fan: me. Man, I don’t even know where to begin with this one. I’ve been such a huge influence in my life. I…I’m so sorry, I’m…I’m getting a little choked up here…I promised myself I wouldn’t do this… Sorry folks, I just get so emotional when I talk about me. I’ll just say this: One day, I hope to be just as great as I always have been.
Damn, that was a good speech. Probably the best speech in history, if I had to guess. And when I guess things, I’m usually right. I’m actually the best at guessing things. So anyway, to wrap things up, I’ll take my “#1 At Giving Acceptance Speeches and Also Guessing Things and for the Record Chad Is #2 Fuck Chad What a Loser Ha Ha” trophy whenever you guys are ready.