How to Build a Country, or Make Your Old One Great Again

Christopher Columbus Doing Shit

Have you ever wanted to have your own country? Become the ruler of the land? Or do you already own a country and want to restore it to its former glory and simply make it great again?

In this how-to guide, created by yours truly, you will learn everything it takes to buy your own country or re-establish your old one to its former glory. I will teach you everything, starting from the pain-free “removal” of the indigenous people to the wealthy billionaires who will build you steps made of million-dollar bills (yes, those exist if you’re a billionaire – trust me, I’m very rich) that will lead you straight to the White House! After all, it’s the American way.

Let’s get started!

  • First things first, you have to discover a country. Even if you didn’t actually discover it, just say you did. This works remarkably well. Years down the road the people will celebrate your non-discovery with your own special day. There may be some of the indigenous people already there, but don’t worry, they’ll warm up to you. If you need some land, give them some blankets covered with a particularly strong disease. Give it a week or so to set in and you’ll no longer have to worry about them. Just like that, you have discovered a country and set yourself up for a future holiday where you will be held up as a hero, especially to the bank employees who get the day off.
  • Second, you must build up your colony. You need homes, roads, crops; it’s a lot of work to build a country, let alone a colony. Since you’re still building up your banking system, you’re going to need free labor. The people who came with you probably aren’t going to work for free, so you will need to stop by another country, grab some people who are out minding their own business and bring them back to your country and get them to work for free. Make sure they look different than the rest of the people in your town. You wouldn’t want people to get confused. It will also help if you come up with a colorful nickname for them. It will definitely make them feel welcome in their new home. People will know you for years and praise your name for these little acts.
  • The third step is one of the most important: setting up your currency. Who do you want on your money? Aside from yourself, you should celebrate the other wealthy people from your community and put their faces on the currency as well. Definitely put some of the wealthy industrialists who owned some of those free labor workers. They’re the people we want to memorialize forever! And I’ll be damned if in the future somebody tries to replace one of them for one of the free workers on the currency.
  • Step four will help you manage the newfound wealth you’ve printed: the banks! Make sure the banks are your friends too. You’re really going to need these guys. The trade with banks is wonderful! They will give you so much money if you just let them do what they want. Don’t worry about the laws of the land, those are meant for the poor people, not them. You will be able to ride them to the top! Sometimes they may need some money from you. Just make sure you give them what they need. Don’t worry about the interest on that loan. Keep it low for them. Remember, they’re your friends! Plus, you can make up the lost interest from the banks by charging it to the young people of your country on their educational loans. They’ll have no choice but to pay it. You’ll take everything they have if they don’t! But never forget, you and the banks are buds.
  • Speaking of the young ones gaining the education, you’re going to need a great institute of learning. There are plenty of ways to set up your schooling system with next to zero effort. To start, create a basic outline and never stray from it. Even if education evolves, don’t stray from your original plan. It worked the first hundred years, why not the next hundred? You also get to charge them anything you want. Who cares if they can’t afford an education, they need it to get ahead in life. They’ll be in debt to you forever!
  • You will also need a place to store those who fall ill in your society. Just like the learning institution, you can also charge people anything you want for your services. After all, they want to stay alive. And don’t believe those science yahoos if they tell you that wacky tobacco is “medicine.” Anything that makes you feel that good can’t possibly cure anything. Not to mention it makes our lovely fair-skinned women attracted to those free workers we brought over here. Why do you think we made it illegal almost eighty years ago?
  • Guns. Need I say more? With guns comes power, and with power comes the ability to buy more guns. We don’t want King George coming over here and trying to push us around, do we? Give everybody guns! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that. Not now. Not ever.

These are just the foundational building blocks for you to buy a country or make your old one great again. Follow these steps and you are sure to succeed and be proud of the great history of your country. The rest of the world will love you for it.



Tim Drake

Author: Tim Drake

Tim Drake is a writer, director and actor currently balancing life between Salt Lake City and Los Angeles. Tim studied comedy writing with The Second City and hosts the comedy and entertainment podcast 'On the Mic with Tim Drake'. Follow Tim on Twitter @timdrake.

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