Author: Walt Braley

While it pains me to waste pages responding to such a ridiculous accusation, It has been brought to my attention that many of you have misunderstood the point of one of my recent pieces. The article in question is, of course, “Free as Bird, Looking for Release,” published last week in The New York Times op-ed section. In the piece I spoke from the perspective of a pigeon solely because I was trying to use the metaphor to symbolize the free-spirited nature of my city life. I was, I repeat, not, implying that I have been shitting on peoples’ cars. …

Listen, Washington Generals, I’m not going to beat around the bush here. I think you need me. Despite the fact that you play the same team every single game, over the course of sixty-nine years, your record is estimated to be something like three wins and (approximately) 19,000 losses. This tells me one thing: that nobody on your staff has ever done a decent scouting report. Well, Washington Generals front office, get a coaching contract ready, because I’m about to blow the door wide open on your archrivals, the Harlem Globetrotters.  The Globetrotters are good basketball players. There’s no downplaying…

Earlier this season, Chicago White Sox player Yermin Mercedes made headlines after he hit a home run off the Minnesota Twins despite the count being 3-0 and the game being a surefire blowout win for the Sox. This has led to many sports “journalists” asking if the era of baseball’s unwritten rules should end, allowing the players to simply go out there and play the sport they make millions to play. Those journalists are dead wrong.  I know I speak for everyone when I say that the retaliation pitch Tyler Duffey threw at Mercedes the next day was uncalled for.…

Readers, I know I usually use this time to report on political affairs, but today I come to you with a simple question: Was mailing United States representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez my blue jeans a bad idea? It feels weird to even ask, especially considering how confident I felt when I was passing them to the FedEx delivery driver, but now that I’ve done some internal reflecting, I think I may have made a mistake. My life hasn’t really gotten worse in the days since mailing the denim trousers, but things are for sure different. I’ve noticed that with my only pair…

Dear New York Times Opinions and Editorials Page (or whatever nationally recognized publication ultimately receives and runs this column; I feel assured that wherever this piece has landed is a news journal of the highest regard),  Allow me to introduce myself. I am KIRGO!, or as many of you likely know me by now, the massive reptilian creature that just weaved a path of destruction through half of Northeast Asia. I am writing this just off the coast of South Korea, where I have chosen to take a break from my seemingly random acts of destruction to attempt to make…

With the pandemic lingering and major technological advancement creating new normalized systems of communication not being the fad some of us bet it would be (you’ll get your $20, Dave), it seems like remote job interviewing is going to be a skill everyone will need to make the most out of in their career pursuits going forward. Remote job interviews typically consist of a virtual sit-down call over a computer video chatting software like Zoom, Skype, or the haunted Skype-like program from 2014’s Unfriended (same as the program from 2018’s Unfriended: The Dark Web). While some would argue interviewing remotely…

Well, the one thing I didn’t want to happen has happened. My stimulus check finally came through and I’m $600 wealthier, but it might as well have stayed in the government’s sweaty pockets, because hit wellness and lifestyle brand Goop has already run out of their flagship item, candles that smell like Iron Man 3 star Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina.  This is extremely crushing to me specifically, considering I’ve been eyeing the candle since the first stimulus check hit back in April. I had originally planned to spend that check on one of the alluring candles, but some minor issues with…

Hey dude, I just got back from the gym and was scrolling through FX Now on my Roku and guess what I stumbled across. A little fantasy action epic called Warcraft.  At first I thought, “There’s no way this is a live-action feature film adaptation set in the universe of my favorite MMORPG World of Warcraft. No, there’s no way that’s the case because if it was then surely my boy would have told me about it.” Well, according to WoWWiki, that’s exactly what it is. Are you kidding me with this, bro? You know for a fact my life is Warcraft extended universe…

Source: Taco Bell This morning, December 16th, Taco Bell put out an official press release to hype up the return of their flagship specialty item, the Nacho Fries. The item typically cycles through the fast food restaurant’s limited-time menu twice a year and this new release doesn’t show any major differences. What is different, however, is the world around the Nacho Fries. The United States is a powder keg of civil unrest and political homerism that seems to be waiting for any spark to light the fuse. It makes economists like myself stop to wonder if the return of Taco…

As the leaves begin to change and Halloween approaches, one upstate New York summer camp is just now preparing to open for its summer season.  Camp Crystal Lake, known for its illustrious woodline and remarkably consistent murderous rampages, defies all logic once again by waiting until this week to bring in the counselors who will watch over the campers expected to arrive later in the month.  While it seems eccentric or even nonsensical, it isn’t that out of the ordinary for the long-running and long-closing summer camp. In fact, the camp has found that it consistently draws the biggest crowd…