Author: Robot Butt News Corp.

NEW YORK – Despite being negatively impacted by President Trump’s economic policies, as well as being personally shot by the Commander-in-Chief, New York native Darrell Hawke still plans to support him and the rest of the Republican Party in the current election. Hawke, who works in a manufacturing plant in Brooklyn, voted for President Trump in 2016 based on the belief he would “drain the swamp” and disrupt the political status quo. Though he admits he is disappointed key promises like building a wall along the U.S.-Mexican border have not been fulfilled – and that he is currently hemorrhaging blood from…

Source: Robert J. Fisch NEW YORK – Taking part in candlelight vigils and prayer services with friends and family, 9/11 solemnly remembered the nation today. “As another year passes, I can’t help but think back on events that have forever marked themselves on my memory,” 9/11 said. “The lives sacrificed to crazed terrorists taking over the streets, the horrific collapse of the housing market, the constant fear instilled by a corrupt regime… after witnessing such things, who could ever be the same?” 9/11 acknowledged its role in the nation’s descent, but said, “If I knew this would all end with President…

NEW YORK – Americans soberly recognize today the anniversary of what has come to be one of the most shocking and defining events in modern history: On September 11th, 2017, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) liked porn on Twitter. “It completely reshaped America, maybe even the world,” said historian Dane McGovern. “Everybody remembers where they were on that day.” New York resident Michelle Flores recalls that harrowing day herself. “I was at work, just scrolling through Twitter, when I saw that Ted Cruz was trending,” said Flores. “I thought he had died. It turned out to be much, much worse.” The tweet…

Following Infowars founder Alex Jones’ removal from a slew of social media sites in recent weeks, including such major platforms as YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter, streaming service Crackle announced yesterday they were open to Jones slandering, attacking, threatening, or plotting to kill any group or individual he sees fit. “At Sony, we’re dedicated to diverse opinions because we believe they create honest and lively debate,” president and CEO Kenichiro Yoshido said in a statement. “And we want Mr. Jones to know he is welcome anytime, today even – we’ve got the afternoon totally free – to discuss an ongoing partnership…

LOS ANGELES – Residents of Los Angeles were shocked to learn that the police were called to beloved actor Tom Hanks’ home Thursday night for a special black-tie dinner and fundraiser to benefit the department. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything like this,” said sergeant Tom Wilkies. “I had no idea a man like him could be capable of something so obscenely generous.” The LAPD had been called to Hanks’ home numerous times in the past for various barbecues and special screenings of his movies. But Hanks, who is an ardent supporter of local law enforcement,…

NEW YORK – After years of turmoil, MoviePass – the much ballyhooed movie subscription service – has come forth with still another long-term plan. The company, which has toyed with various pricing models for its patrons, ranging from unlimited monthly viewings to 2-3 films per month, believes it has hit the jackpot in the form of opening a single-screen movie theater in Spokane, Washington. “It’s the next logical step for our forward-thinking company,” said spokesman Dale Straffon. “What if instead of trying to figure out how everyone can see all these different movies, we offer the movie and make them…

There is a new woman making waves in the world of feminist art. Red waves, that is. Seattle-based artist Mena Strell is set to debut her new series, created in the style of Jackson Pollock, by using the force of her period sneezes. She hopes that her art will empower women everywhere to see their monthly visits from Aunt Flo as a source of pride and inspiration rather than a nuisance. “As women, we bleed for like seven years of our lives,” Strell explained. “Blood is life. Life is art. Art is power. Power is women. It just seemed like…

BARRINGTON, Minn. – Twelve-year old Dusten Fairchild is nervously counting down the days until school starts again this month after giving a courageous thirty-second monologue to his biggest bully, Mitch, in late May. “Clearly I did not think this through,” Fairchild admitted regarding his confrontation on the last day of the previous school year. “Having all the other kids see the whole thing happen and cheer for me after I told Mitch to get lost was a rush, but I’m starting to wonder if maybe I just poked the bear.” Sources say Mitch has spent eight weeks at an intense football…

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. – A recent study has confirmed that dogs don’t like hugs, but humans do, so fuck it. The study, conducted by the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill, supports prior research suggesting that dogs have a deeply-ingrained biological aversion to being hugged. It also confirms that humans couldn’t give less of a shit how dogs feel about being hugged, and that those sweet fluffy bastards are getting hugged anyway. Experts have a theory as to why dogs hate hugs. “Dogs are what’s known as cursorial animals, meaning their bodies are designed to run quickly. So when a dog…