HAMPTON ISLAND—Despite rumors of his death, Mitch McConnell was spotted alive and well over the weekend vacationing at a beach house on Hampton Island. Not only was Mitch alive, he was having an absolute blast and is definitely not deceased.
“He’s never been more energetic,” said longtime friend Larry as Mitch waved at passing beachgoers. “Look at him. Sunglasses on, drink in hand, rigor mortis barely noticeable. That’s classic Mitch.”
At press time, Mitch’s friends insisted he was healthy, alert, and fully capable of serving another six-year term, before accidentally dropping him down a flight of stairs.