Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, from the flight deck. This is your captain, Phil, speaking. Welcome aboard the nonstop flight from Cincinnati to Las Vegas. We do apologize for the delay this evening, folks. The official reason is a crew delay, but the unofficial reason is that bitch, Jennifer.
I’m sorry for the confusion. Jennifer is not a flight crew member. No, it seems the only thing that’s been taking Jennifer to new heights lately is our neighbor, Chad. Yes, a lot of new information is coming into the flight deck here, as I just learned about Chad when I got the papers served to me prior to this flight.
But we’re gonna have a great flight here tonight, and we will be on our way shortly to bigger and better cities and things. Las Vegas! The weather in Las Vegas is clear skies, winds out of the northwest, and temperature of about 90, which is the same proof of the bourbon I’m going to start drinking the second we touch down.
We’re third in line for takeoff here, but just getting word that it sounds like the fuel handler made a mistake, and we will need to circle back to fill the tank. We appreciate your patience and ask that you remember that we’re all more than our mistakes—including the mistake I made with Scarlet at the Bellagio nine months ago.
We are happy to offer you free in-flight WiFi for loyalty members for the trip today. You can use it to watch movies or browse your favorite social media sites like Instagram. Make sure you adjust your privacy settings. As most of us know, Instagram users can directly message each other, like when Scarlet sent a DM to Jennifer and they began their correspondence to destroy my life.
Please give your attention to our Cincinnati-based flight crew up front for the safety briefing, reminding you to make sure your carry-on luggage is stowed away safely during the flight. Carry-on luggage can withstand a lot, which I learned when Jennifer scattered mine on our front lawn during an Ohio thunderstorm last month, when she found my bar tab receipt from the Bellagio with Scarlet.
Make sure that when the oxygen masks fall in the event of sudden pressure loss, you secure your own mask before helping your children. Yes, we wouldn’t want to traumatize the children the way Jennifer is doing to ours by using them to gain leverage over me during this divorce.
It looks like we should be taxiing down the runway shortly here.
Actually, we’re just getting word from our controllers that we’ve been asked to completely turn around and deplane. I apologize for this, folks. I thought I was pretty clear with Scarlet that I wouldn’t be sending any payments until the DNA test results came back, but apparently I’ve missed eight months’ worth. Unfortunately, it sounds like they’ve issued a warrant for my arrest that they’ve come to execute when we get back to the gate.
So sit back and relax. Your new replacement pilot will be arriving shortly.
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