Hey Neighbor!
I’d say Happy Monday but it’s Tuesday, which means last night was Monday night, which I guess isn’t relevant because there’s not really an ‘on’ night for midnight woodworking. Were you making cabinets? I was only wondering because I thought next time you might be able to shut the fuck up instead.
I heard Darcy got first prize in the science fair! Congratulations! All those hours sound-testing snow globes filled with broken glass and nails really paid off. So happy for you guys. Did you have to break all the windows and lightbulbs in your own apartment at 2am to get the glass or could you have fucked off somewhere else at some other time?
How’s Gabriella? Did she get the tuba solo in the marching band? She sure has been practicing hard late at night next to the room where my elderly father has been recovering from his car accident, so fingers crossed for her. Albie made QB for the football team! We are so proud of him, his starting game is this Friday, so if Gabriella is performing at the halftime show let me know if you go, and I won’t go to watch my only son in his first ever football game, so I can have 90 minutes of peace and fucking quiet far the fuck away from you.
Did Annika make the clog dancing regional championships? Who even knew they had a lead clog division. I would say that I hope you get lead poisoning, but I found out one of the side effects is hearing loss, so now I hope *I* get lead poisoning, let me know if Annika’s team has room for one more, maybe I can clog dance my way out of fucking hearing range.
If you see me doing yardwork out back, don’t worry, I’m just digging your grave. I hope you enjoyed the brownies I made you last week, because next time they’ll be fucking poisoned.
XOXO
Next Door Ted
