BROOKLYN, NY – A disgruntled, anonymous patient from Brooklyn, New York, identifying himself only as “Firpo,” has issued a formal rebuttal challenging his primary care physician’s assessment of his health, fitness, and lifestyle choices.
–
Dear Dr. Coburn:
I’ve reviewed your comments from our recent office visit and, while I appreciate your concern, regarding my weight gain and its alleged “impact” on my lab results, I feel it is important to reframe these findings within their proper context.
First, I’d like to point out that the 27-pound addition to my body mass represents merely a nine-percent increase over my previous weight of 299 pounds. Percentage-wise, this remains firmly within the single digits and should therefore be considered negligible.
As for the impact of the increased weight on my lab work – specifically my 10.2 A1C level – need I remind you that glucose is the main source of energy for the body’s cells. It is plant based derived from organic sources like sugarcane and sugar beets, and thus, technically speaking, sugar is a natural and necessary component of a healthy diet. Additionally, as you are undoubtedly aware, the A1C test reflects average blood glucose levels over the previous two to three months, rendering this data no longer current – therefore no longer pertinent!
Your office notes further describe my overall condition and recent fall as “a red flag for physiological changes, peripheral neuropathy, fragility, and underlying medical conditions exacerbated by a sedentary lifestyle”.
To the contrary, with regard to lifestyle, at sixty-five years old, my post-retirement career in competitive eating and frequent travel keeps me both physically active and socially relevant. Case in point my recent participation in the “Twelve-egg-and-meat Omelet Challenge” at the renowned Moose McGillycuddy’s pub in Honolulu, where in my honor – following a crushing victory – I was treated to a “shots and beer funnel,” celebration. The commemoration was also attended by nearly twenty residents from a nearby convalescent home, further reinforcing my continued engagement in maintaining an active lifestyle and social relevance. As for your claim of peripheral neuropathy, I would argue that the dexterity, upper-body strength, and endurance required to hold a sixteen-ounce, liquid-filled funnel up above one’s head strongly contradicts such a diagnosis.
As for the so-called “red flag” concerning my physical vulnerabilities, it is evident that you have jumped to conclusions without a full understanding of the circumstances surrounding my recent fall and broken rib incident. In reality this minor mishap was directly related to my use of the latest in cutting-edge medical technology – all prescribed by you.
While bending down to pull up my compression socks, I accidentally dropped my rescue inhaler. When I went to retrieve it, my carpal-tunnel hand brace became entangled with the CPAP hose, causing me to pitch forward into my oxygen cylinder rack. This was not a fall so much as an unfortunate convergence of modern medical accessories.
Furthermore, since I also struck my head against my mobility scooter – that resulted in neither a fracture nor a concussion – I believe this further serves as additional clinical evidence contradicting any claims of fragility. In fact, if I had not been so diligent about simultaneously managing my entirely routine multiple conditions – COPD, edema, carpal tunnel, diabetic neuropathy, etc.- the incident would never have occurred.
Finally, I would like to note that aside from some intermittent bowel irregularity, dizziness, sporadic chest pain attributed to my active lifestyle, and increased overnight urination frequency – which I manage by reducing hydration – I believe that I’m as fit as a fiddle.
Best of health,
Sincerely,
