CHICAGO – This Halloween marks yet another in a quickly growing series of Halloweens that local man and all-around bad vibe Mark Spinkler claims “wasn’t scary enough.”
Spinkler, who stays home each year and sits on his porch to hand out candy to trick or treaters, reportedly thought this would be the year that he is “terrified in a way that makes him feel truly alive.”
“I know some people go to haunted houses, explore the abandoned mine on the edge of town, or watch scary movies, but I feel like those scares are artificial. They’re crafted and curated. I want the real thing, you know? I want the day of Halloween to be scary. Not just some activity. I don’t understand why it’s too much to ask that on the day we’re all the most connected to the devil’s playground spiritually, the dead don’t rip out of the ground and wreak terror for one short window of time. Or, why don’t the kids try to be scary? I gave out candy to like 100 kids and not a single one was terrifying. They’re all PJ Mask or Freddy Fazbear. Why doesn’t a kid dress up as a home invader, walk up to my doorstep, and put a loaded 9mm into my mouth? That’d be scary.”
While we were admittedly kind of locked in during his rambles about the occult, we ended the interview basically as soon as he started with the kid stuff. We’ve decided that while he may never truly experience fear, and therefore life, again, Spinkler is definitely doing his part to make Halloween scary for the rest of us.
