Freelance Copywriter
One huge drawback of large language models is their inability to spit out soulless content marketing slop.
“Are you ready to integrate AI into your brand’s ecosystem and CRUSH Q4?” Sounds like a human person to me!
Disgruntled Dock Worker That Has to Pull on a Big Ol’ Rope
Despite Big AI’s countless attempts at teaching an AI model to yank on a big ol’ rope, it looks like this essential worker isn’t going by the wayside any time soon.
Old-timey Newspaper Boy
Another essential job that AI could never do is Tiny Victorian Street Urchin That Runs Around Yelling, “Extra! Extra!” Before Dying of Tuberculosis at the Age of 14. It’s gonna be another good 10 or 15 years until the newsboy is rendered obsolete by the pitiless wrath of AI.
Tennis Coach That’s Banging My Wife
It’s inconceivable that a chatbot could ever have as much natural charm and appeal as Ricardo, my wife’s human tennis coach, with whom she is having an affair.
Cabinet Member
Unfortunately, as I was writing this list, Grok was elected Secretary of Housing and Urban Development. But fret not, reader! There are still plenty of careers these bots could never take from us.
Boyfriend that Looks Better in Person
It’s a rite of passage for every young lady to fall in love with a guy with no flattering photos she can show her friends–but in real life? Pretty much a perfect 5.
As of 2025, AI models lack the capacity to emulate the mystique of a middling-attractive man of whom there are no good pictures. Phew! Keep at it, fellas!
Sea Hag
This conniving old bag has as much connivery as she does job security. Who’s laughing now, Olive Oyl? That skinny bitch better sleep with one eye open.
Boston Comic
“My pronouns are fuck/you.” You think AI could do that?! Really?! Really. Fuggetaboudiit. That’s Boston, right?
W̶o̶u̶l̶d̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶r̶e̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶s̶ ̶p̶i̶e̶c̶e̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶s̶t̶y̶l̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶a̶ ̶s̶p̶e̶c̶i̶f̶i̶c̶ ̶w̶r̶i̶t̶e̶r̶,̶ ̶l̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶J̶a̶c̶k̶ ̶H̶a̶n̶d̶e̶y̶ ̶o̶r̶ ̶S̶i̶m̶o̶n̶ ̶R̶i̶c̶h̶?̶
Please disregard.