6’5”, 2,507-year-old heir to the throne of Zagdor seeks a corn-fed, normal-looking woman, preferably from the Midwestern United States. Perhaps with an exciting job such as customer service or data analysis.
I do not show up in human photographs due to the fluorescence of my skin, but if you’ve seen The Shape Of Water, combine that with Henry Cavill and that is unfortunately what I look like.
I’ve little to offer:
- I’m absolutely shredded (which is considered very unattractive on my planet).
- My net worth is but 500 Zots (equivalent to 10 billion USD).
- I speak every language in the galaxy in a very deep voice, including English, but with a British accent because I learned by watching The Great British Baking Show and Game of Thrones.
- I’m afraid my hog is huge, tentacle-like, and ribbed (which is also considered unattractive on my planet).
Could a very average girl find room in her heart for someone like me? Would she bear the burden of becoming my queen, sharing my Zalibu-King-sized bed with me every night as I zealously make love to her after hours of foreplay and worship of her clitoris? (Again, this is considered so annoying on my planet.)
Must love:
- Decorating my sprawling, lonely mansion
- Traveling through space at warp speed, exploring new planets and being universally adored
- Gowns
- A deep, growling voice (with a touch of rasp!) in the mornings
- A huge wedding in space
- Eyes that flash with rage if another man (or alien) even looks at you
- Vast quantities of my seed in you
- Watching the 2005 Pride and Prejudice
Should you have interest in an alliance with a big-dickéd brute such as myself, then wish upon a falling star, and I shall guide my ship to your local cornfield post-haste.
I also play the guitar.