No doubt, my “liking” a listing in an online thrift shop of an only-worn-once T-shirt from Old Navy with the word “Kindness” on the front was the sign that the seller had been waiting for: I Am The Chosen One, and SandyLuvsFashion is the Messenger.
Touched by the divine, SandyLuvsFashion became laser-focused on ensuring that I, and only I, bought her T-shirt so she could deliver The Message to me in 19 random stickers, which explains her reaching out privately with an enticing offer of an additional $5 discount on an item selling for only 11 bucks.
But what, pray tell, have I been chosen for?
To end world hunger?
To bring Emperor Trump to heel?
To quash a potential comeback of mullets, shoulder pads, or velour sweatsuits?
All of the above?
The answer undoubtedly lies in the aforementioned 19 random stickers tucked in my only-worn-once Old Navy T-shirt, along with an egg-shaped stress ball and a purple Stanley Cup keychain, tchotchkes that SandyLuvsFashion likely included to throw off enemies intending to bring me harm, the Kindness Queen, the thriftiest of thrift-store shoppers, the wearer of clothes from other people’s closets, the supporter of sustainable fashion, and mother of cheapskates.
Now, to decipher the stickers:
- Edward and Bella from Twilight, the word “lion” above Edward, the word “lamb” above Bella, the two locked in an intense gaze.
- Garfield.
- Hello Kitty #1. This kitty is in an ice cream cone.
- Hello Kitty #2. This kitty has angel wings and clutches a heart.
- A ukulele with the words “uke can do it” written underneath.
- A lollipop.
- Iron Man. To be clear, this Iron Man isn’t Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, but rather a cartoon figure.
- A black cat.
- A glittery purple Easter Bunny.
- Pastel Easter eggs with the words “Egg Spert Hunter” written over them.
- A wrapped candy.
- A donut with sprinkles.
- The dad from Family Guy, red-faced and angry.
- Baby Yoda.
- A gothic princess.
- A Ken-doll type image—blonde hair, blue eyes, dressed in a bubblegum pink jacket and tie.
- A woman from the shoulders up, dressed as the Easter Bunny, ears askew, the face vaguely familiar, like Kate McKinnon from SNL.
- A swirly black-and-white symbol that, at first glance, looks like a vulva. A reverse image search in Google reveals it’s a symbol for the Galactic Republic from Star Wars. (I was looking at it upside down.)
- A sticker that says “OUCH,” designed in the same colorful, bold style as “KAPOW!” or “KERPLUNK!”
Obviously, the message is complex and full of red herrings.
I suspect SandyLuvsFashion unloaded extras from her kids’ Easter baskets. I do not hold this against her since these additions will only confound those trying to decipher the message, like the FBI or Big Balls from Doge.
References to movie juggernauts—Iron Man, Barbie, Star Wars—suggest my mission might involve taking down a behemoth, or a sequel to a behemoth, like Goliath 2.0 or JD Vance.
Also, the feline energy is 🔥. A reference, perhaps, to my cunning, my slyness, my knack for knocking things off the kitchen island and leaving dead mice on the front stoop.
Of course, maybe the stickers aren’t random at all, à la what Hannibal Lecter wrote on the map in Silence of the Lambs: “Clarice, doesn’t this random scattering of sites seem desperately random, like the elaborations of a bad liar?”
Maybe my ability to remember movie quotes is my gift, my superpower, and I’m being inspired to attend movie trivia night at the local pub where I will receive the next part of the message and achieve a new level.
I’ll wear my only-worn-once Old Navy “Kindness” T-shirt as a signal, trade craft at its finest.
Bottom line: Message received, mission accepted.
And five stars for you, SandyLuvsFashion. (wink, wink)
