Hey! I’m so glad you were able to meet me at this obscure Senegalese-Cuban fusion gastropub! I hear the chili-braised cigar and shrimp medley is particularly good here.
Anyway, how are you? Have you gone anywhere lately? I have. Did I show you my recent pictures from Iceland? I’m telling you, if you go there — and you should, like I just did — then you’ve absolutely got to try the hákarl. It’s this really disgusting fermented shark dish, but I actually liked it. I guess I have a pretty advanced palate. That’s not something I would say about myself, but a lot of my international friends have said it.
Sorry, we were talking about you. I want to hear everything. Like, have you tried that Vietnamese place on Fremont? I love Vietnamese food. You know I went to Southeast Asia on my honeymoon, right? We were there for an entire month, and I ate food literally every day, so I know a lot about the cuisine.
Plus, my uncle just married a Vietnamese woman, and my mom has a Vietnamese neighbor, so sometimes I get homemade egg rolls from them. There’s seriously nothing like homemade.
I learned that when I lived in Belize — you know I lived in Belize for more than a year, right? We ate fryjacks all the time. OMG, they are so good when they’re made fresh by hand! Someday I’ll make them, I bet, because I love to cook. Really, I absolutely love to cook, but you know that. Silly me.
What was I saying? Oh, yeah. Homemade. It’s the best.
I actually studied both French and German in high school, and I can still remember the madeleines and kugel we bought from Safeway for the end-of-year celebrations. Délicieux! I mean, I guess those weren’t homemade, but it was still like a little taste of Europe on your tongue.
… not that I haven’t been to Europe. I have, obviously, and the food there is sooooo good.
Especially Italian food! I adore Italian food, everyone knows that. Giada de Laurentiis taught me. I mean, not in person, but on the Food Network. That’s where I learned to pronounce “pasta” like a gunshot and “mascarpone” like I’m cursing someone with impotence.
That’s also where I learned from the Barefoot Contessa that there are such things as “real maple syrup” and “real Stilton” and also things that are … not those things. I feel I know them when I see them now, and if I ever get a “real fishmonger” or a “real florist,” I’ll know exactly what to say to them.
What about you? Have you been enjoying this spring weather we’ve been having? It’s been just glorious, right? We had a wonderful Passover a few weeks back. My dad is from Israel, obviously, so Passover — us Jewish folks call it Pesach — was big when I was growing up. I’ve almost memorized everything that goes on the seder plate, and you better believe making matzo ball soup is on my 50 Before 50 list.
By the way, did you know I’m learning Hebrew from my dad? I am. Sometimes we actually talk about cooking in Hebrew. Like, the other day, I was telling him all about the garbage Americanized Mexican food I like to cook, LOL. I can prove it: Do you want me to randomly start speaking a language you don’t understand so that you can feel truly impressed by me? I want that. I want it right now. Pretty badly, actually. !התרשמת עדיין? אני צריך את זה
Speaking of Mexico, you know I went there when I was 23, right? I did, and let me just say, if you haven’t had guacamole from Mexico, you seriously haven’t had it at all. They make it with avocado and limes and salt and … no, I know that sounds regular, but it isn’t. Probably because it was in Mexico.
Might also have been the tequila.
You like to travel, right? Didn’t you just get back from Chicago? I lived in Chicago, you know. There was this bakery that had amazing cannoli. I must have looked up the recipe, like, eighteen times. That’s gotta be some kind of record, right? I should really make that sometime.
Wow, Greece?? Really? Why did I think it was Chicago? Do you remember how back in high school I would help my best friend out at the Greek Festival? I did! For three years in a row! She was Greek Orthodox, but you know that. Let me tell you, that’s where I learned to eat gyros, no lie. I could probably even make one maybe.
Oh, look! Here comes our server! Do you know what you’re going to get? Wait, really? They have squid? That’s crazy! Did I ever tell you about the squid I got in Aotearoa? That’s Māori for “New Zealand,” but it might as well mean “Land of Really Fucking Great Squid” because I got it three times on my trip. Yeah no, three times! Actually, when I was there …
